Thursday, December 20, 2007

Day 18 - Using "white out" to cover my pain

As you know, Trayc's mom has gone back to Tennessee so we began our first "night hours" last night. Tristan did really good. His apnea monitor only went off once but he started breathing again immediately - the alarm is so loud it scares him so I think it wakes him up and he starts breathing again - it definitely wakes us up!!!!! This morning I was in the laundry room and I looked at the wall calendar and noticed it said December 20, but what really caught my eye was the "white out" all over the calendar. See, today was my original due date. I did the white out after we came home from the high-risk doctor's office on August 15th (when we found out Tristan had Trisomy 18 ). I was so devastated with all of the overwhelming information, the comment of "incompatible with life" and statistics we had just been given and I felt totally helpless and was hopeless. I remember falling to my knees below the calendar that day (which was in our bedroom at our old house) crying and saying out loud "Why?", "How could this happen to us, all we want is more children?", "How will the Lord ever use this in our life?", "How will Tristan ever make it to December?" , "How do I go on living every day knowing our baby will not live?" So, to protect my heart and cover up any future pain when I looked at the month of December, I quickly got out the white out and whited out the date, Tristan's full name and the words "3rd miracle baby" I had written at the bottom of the calendar back in April. As I looked at it today my heart was broken because I could see I was so sad, so devastated, so overwhelmed with grief therefore I never could have seen how the Lord would use this in our lives for the good. Although I will never be able to answer most of the questions I cried out that day, I do know that our precious baby boy DID MAKE IT to December, he was born alive, he is here with us in our home, he makes our family a family of 5 now and we just finished celebrating DAY 18. He truly is our family's 3rd miracle baby, maybe not how I would have chosen it to be, but this is the Lord's plan for our family which I have to believe with all my heart is the perfect plan for us. I see the Lord's hand on our lives more than I ever have before. I am daily praying that the Lord will use Tristan's precious little life, through our family, to reach out and minister to others that are hurting, that feel helpless and hopeless like I did 4 months ago. My hearts greatest desire, at this time, is that our story will give all the girls on this "Trisomy 18 road" (especially my internet friends, Kenzie Stanfield and Kim Summons - see their blog links under our family picture) renewed hope, the courage to stay close to the Lord, to trust in Him even on the hard days and although no one knows what the Lord's plan is for their baby, the Lord is faithful and He will carry them every step of the way. Tristan had another great day and we are looking forward to another night of family fun. As promised, we celebrated Christmas by listening to Christmas music during dinner and then we played a board game with Tanner, while Tayden chewed on the game pieces! Please pray for Tristan's continued strength and for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Bible notes: In the Book of Job we see a good man suffering for no apparent fault of his own but Job's story does not end in despair. In Job's life we see that faith in God is justified even when our situations look hopeless. To be unshakable, faith must be built on the confidence that God's ultimate purpose will come to pass. God alone knew the purpose behind Job's suffering, and yet He never explained it to Job. In spite of this, Job never gave up on God - even in the midst of suffering. He never placed his hope in his experience, his wisdom, his friends or his wealth. Job focused on God.

11 comments:

Linda said...

Hi Yvette,

I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you. I too, am on-call at the Ritz and when I attended a meeting in November, a small card was in front of me and when I read about your situation, my eyes filled with tears. Since that day, I have felt positive that you would have a long time with Tristan. I do believe in miracles and your baby boy is one. God Bless you for keeping the faith, believing and instilling those qualities in all your children. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers that you will have a long life together.

Sincerely, Linda Hailes

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Yvette-

Thank you so much for remembering us in this time of your rejoicing! We ARE so encouraged with how well Tristan is doing, and although we don't know the Lord's plan for our situation, we do know that He is faithful. He has been using his people, YOU, to minister to my heart daily... thank you for the tremendous blessing and allowing us to walk this journey with you! We continue to pray for your time with him and the night hours.

Love,
Kenzie

Amy said...

Thank you for continuing to share your heart with us. Your words are beautiful.

You are still being prayed for from Nashville.

Laurie said...

It blesses my heart so much to read about the things God is showing you through this little miracle named Tristan. To see Gods hand in getting you from the "white out" day to day #18 with this baby is such a joy and such a testament to Gods faithfulness in keeping His promises. I have always believed in miracles and I am humbled to watch this miracle unfolding day after day and knowing how blessed your family of five feels at this most precious time of year. May your days be full to overflowing and your nights peaceful as Tristan
proves how faithful his God is to all of us. Continued prayers daily for all of you, and lots of love.

Laurie in Ca.

Dee Dee said...

How God blesses me daily as I read your updates, using you for so many purposes in His Kingdom, including to give me strength for my own family's trials. Praying for your beautiful son and all you beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Kim said...

He's just so beautiful! Congrats on 18 fabulous days!

Tracy said...

How great is it that you can look at the white out on the calendar then walk into the next room and pick up your baby?!?! :) Talk about a MERRY Christmas!

...Loved the Disney night by the way! Your kids are having so much fun this Christmas!

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Yvette,
Wow Day 18! What a blessing and a praise. I have to tell you I feel so encouraged. Not that I expect the same because like you said, we will all have a different story to tell. But I feel encouraged that you used white out because of your discouragement and because you didn't see how you could make it until December....but you did!! God didn't see your discouragement and your doubt as a reflection of how much you loved and trusted him. He doesn't see my doubt and my questions and my discouragement as a reflection of how much I love and trust him. Thank God he knows us and understands us and loves us!
Thank you so much for thinking of us, praying for us, e-mailing us, even in the midst of your precious time with Tristan. It shows your character of giving and loving the way you do. Again, I love checking on you and your family and seeing another good day with your sweet angel.
Merry Christmas and God bless you always!
Love, Kim

Kat Virden said...

Yvette, I just heard of your situation and I read your entire blog in one day and was truly touched. As a new mom myself, I understand the love you have for that precious little boy. I will pray for you, Tristan, and your family as the days go by. Cherish each and every moment you have and I think it's wonderful you are sharing this special journey with us all. Much love.

So Blessed said...

One of my favorite verses:

"so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." 1 Corinthians 2:5

Thanking God for His blessings on your family. Have a blessed Christmas!

Melissa said...

You Baby Tristan Asher is so beautiful. I know all to well about Trisomy. My son Ethan Richard had Full Trisomy 13 he was born at 22 weeks on Aug.5th 2006 and lived for a a short but beautiful 50 min. If you ever need a shoulder to laugh, cry or share joy on please Email me at jmboone@mtcnet.net
God Bless you and your family, Melissa Boone