I really didn't sleep much last night, I tossed and turned going over and over in my mind all the "unexpected" that happened at our doctor's appt. yesterday. I just kept thinking, we no longer have 13 days until Tristan is born, we only have 4 days!!! I laid there thinking about everything we've been through since we found out about Tristan having Trisomy 18 on August 15th. We honestly did not know if we'd even make it to today because we were told by the "high-risk" doctors that statistics were against us, but we HAVE made it!! Then I was reminded of a comment Trayc made as we were walking out of the grocery store last night, he said, "It certainly is a foggy night" and foggy it was! I laid there thinking, you know that is really what this journey has been like, a foggy night. The road in front of us has been so unclear, and certainly unpredictable. I think back to those first few weeks of total shock, devastation, sadness and depression where all I could do was cry. Day after day I would say to Trayc, "If I just knew what was ahead of us, if I just knew why this was happening, if I just knew what the purpose was, if I just knew what the end result was, I could keep going, I could move forward". Yet, here I am 3 months later, I still do not know the answers to any of my questions, but I have kept going, I have kept moving forward, trusting completely on the Lord to carry us regardless of the "fog" that was before us. And, as we begin that 30-minute drive to the hospital on Monday we will still be heading toward the fog, it will be a road of complete uncertainty not knowing what lies beyond the fog (the hospital doors) but we have to keep going and not get caught up in what we can't see but know that the Lord has gone before us in the hospital and is preparing our way. I was then reminded of a devotion I read a week ago, in a book Trayc surprised me with, called "50 days of Heaven". There is a story on Day 1 that says this:
- In 1952, Florence Chadwick stepped into the waters of the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island, California, determined to swim to the mainland. An experienced swimmer, she had already been the first women to swim the English Channel both ways. The weather that day was foggy and chilly; Florence could hardly see the boats accompanying her. Still, she swam steadily for fifteen hours. When she begged to be taken out of the water along the way her mother, in a boat alongside, told her that she was close and that she could make it. Finally, physically and emotionally exhausted, Florence stopped swimming and was pulled out. It wasn't until she was aboard the boat that she discovered the shore was less than half a mile away. At a news conference the next day, she said, "All I could see was the fog...I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it."
Philippians 3:13-14 says: "One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus".