Friday, November 30, 2007

A foggy night

I really didn't sleep much last night, I tossed and turned going over and over in my mind all the "unexpected" that happened at our doctor's appt. yesterday. I just kept thinking, we no longer have 13 days until Tristan is born, we only have 4 days!!! I laid there thinking about everything we've been through since we found out about Tristan having Trisomy 18 on August 15th. We honestly did not know if we'd even make it to today because we were told by the "high-risk" doctors that statistics were against us, but we HAVE made it!! Then I was reminded of a comment Trayc made as we were walking out of the grocery store last night, he said, "It certainly is a foggy night" and foggy it was! I laid there thinking, you know that is really what this journey has been like, a foggy night. The road in front of us has been so unclear, and certainly unpredictable. I think back to those first few weeks of total shock, devastation, sadness and depression where all I could do was cry. Day after day I would say to Trayc, "If I just knew what was ahead of us, if I just knew why this was happening, if I just knew what the purpose was, if I just knew what the end result was, I could keep going, I could move forward". Yet, here I am 3 months later, I still do not know the answers to any of my questions, but I have kept going, I have kept moving forward, trusting completely on the Lord to carry us regardless of the "fog" that was before us. And, as we begin that 30-minute drive to the hospital on Monday we will still be heading toward the fog, it will be a road of complete uncertainty not knowing what lies beyond the fog (the hospital doors) but we have to keep going and not get caught up in what we can't see but know that the Lord has gone before us in the hospital and is preparing our way. I was then reminded of a devotion I read a week ago, in a book Trayc surprised me with, called "50 days of Heaven". There is a story on Day 1 that says this:
  • In 1952, Florence Chadwick stepped into the waters of the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island, California, determined to swim to the mainland. An experienced swimmer, she had already been the first women to swim the English Channel both ways. The weather that day was foggy and chilly; Florence could hardly see the boats accompanying her. Still, she swam steadily for fifteen hours. When she begged to be taken out of the water along the way her mother, in a boat alongside, told her that she was close and that she could make it. Finally, physically and emotionally exhausted, Florence stopped swimming and was pulled out. It wasn't until she was aboard the boat that she discovered the shore was less than half a mile away. At a news conference the next day, she said, "All I could see was the fog...I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it."
This is exactly how I felt in August, if I could just see the shore, I could make it!" The Lord has brought us so far in 3 months and although I would love to know all of the answers to my questions, my prayer as we face these upcoming 4 days is: Lord, please hold us in the palm of your hand as we prepare for Monday, do not let us be focused on the fog that is ahead of us but keep our eyes fixed on you, let us remain faithful and obedient to you, let us continue to feel the peace we have felt for the past 3 months and never give up - I want to make it to the shore regardless of whether I ever know the answer or reason, this side of Heaven.

Philippians 3:13-14 says: "One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus".


Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog (and watching your video) and praying for you for almost 3 months now. Monday is the day! Prayer will be lifted up for you all in Germantown, TN.

Kenzie Stanfield said...


That story is my favorite one yet from the "50 days in Heaven" book... it so encompasses everything I think we have been feeling~ Just let me focus on the shore ahead... even though I can't see it!

Please know that we are covering you in prayer and that the Lord will sustain you through this weekend. Monday is almost here and I am so excited for you to meet your sweet boy!

Prayers and love,

Leanne said...


I've been reading your blog for about a month now and I wanted to come out of the woodwork, so to speak......

Our story is too long to share in a comment, but suffice it to say, I know exactly what you are going through. My story is a teenie bit different than yours, but we had a stillborn baby girl, Janie Rose, 3 and a half years ago. It hit us hard and took us by surprise.

What I really want to say is I so admire your childlike trust in the Lord, even though these last few miles are so hard. You can do this. I know you're scared. You are NOT NOT NOT alone.

I just wanted you to know that. I feel intensely for you, dear sister. I will be praying fervently for little Tristan, and most of all for you.


Concentrate on the fact that the sun always comes out to burn off the fog, little by little.

with warm thoughts and prayers,

Leanne in Longview WA

Laurie said...


Stopping by tonight to see how you are and wow, I will definitely be speeding up the prayers for you this weekend. Oh, how sweet it will be for you to see his precious little face.
Just keep trusting the Lord as you have been all along. The shore is just ahead and you will reach it. I pray all anxiety and fear of the unknown leaves you, and that your mind is full of His Peace. He will never let you go and He has already prepared you for Monday. Trust Him and know that Tristan is His gift to you in this Season and He holds you tightly next to His heart. Prayers will continue for you all weekend in my home. Keep your eyes on Him as He has His eyes on you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Emily said...

You're right where you've always been: safe in the palm of your Father's hand. Instead of trying to peek through His fingers, close your eyes and rest. As a mother standing on the other side of the fog, I can assure you the Lord knows His way through this and He will hold your hand and guide you every last step of the way. Cherish your boys and know God's grace is sufficient for you. And know I'm lifting you up, too, of course. :)

Christena said...

I found your blog a month ago through the site, a community that I've leaned on heavily over this past month since saying goodbye to my little Bennett. Thank you so much for sharing your family with us. Your faith, your optimism, your commitment and even your fears speak to the very best that this life have to offer - the love a mother holds for her children. Please know that there are so many of us who are praying for you, your family and especially for your precious little Tristan. I have no doubt that your faith and the overwhelming love that surrounds you will carry you through these coming days, weeks and months.