Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Looking back

Our 11 yr. old son, Tanner, has piano lessons every other Tuesday night for an hour. Trayc and I always ride together so that we can share about our day plus it gives us time to talk without feeling guilty about not doing things around the house especially since we just moved in August and have a very long "to-do-list" that must be done before Thanksgiving, oh the pressures we put on ourselves! Due to our move the drive to piano is now 1 hr. there and 1 hr. home. Trayc
had to work late last night so I took Tanner to piano myself. On the way home, the boys were watching a Thomas the Train movie, actually the same one for the 10th time because this is all Tayden wants to watch. Every time Tayden sees Thomas he makes this "cluk, cluk" sound which is so cute, then the boys started laughing back and forth which inevitable became silly giggling that seemed unending! I was a little tired and honestly just wanted some quiet time on the 1 hr. drive home so I turned on the CD player and listened to Jim Brickman's latest piano CD called "Hope" which is absolutely peaceful. Over the peaceful music, I continued hearing the boys laughing back and forth and I started getting a little sad, tears started running down my cheeks because I had thoughts of "Tristan will never be back there with them laughing and Tayden will never understand that he had a brother, Tayden will never have a brother close in age to play with (there is a 10 year age difference between him and Tanner)". Becoming more and more overwhelmed by my present sadness, I began praying that the Lord would take this feeling away, realizing there is nothing I can do to change the 10 yr. gap. I asked the Lord to allow me to become content with the age difference and if we never have anymore children that I will be content with that too. This is very hard for me to pray because we always wanted and prayed for 4 children and right now this number seems to be drifting further and further away. I guess I became so wrapped up in praying and listening to the peaceful sounds of the music I had not realized the quietness that had FINALLY come in the backseat, so believing the boys had fallen asleep I pulled down my rear-view mirror and looked back to see Tanner sitting in the middle seat, Tayden's arms were wrapped around Tanner's arm, which was sitting up on Tayden's car seat armrest, Tayden's head was laying on Tanner's shoulder and Tanner's head was laying on top of Tayden's head. What a sight this was for me especially after what I had just been feeling!!!!! I cannot explain the difference I felt after looking back and seeing my precious boys bonding like they were. I started praying, "Thank you so much Lord for the miracles of Tanner and Tayden, as we were told by doctors we would never have, thank you for allowing this love between them, that is so uncommon with this age difference. I ask that you allow me to become content with the 2 boys we have and not long for any more than that and if you chose to bless us with more children I will embrace that and if not I will accept this as your Will for our lives". In life, I believe we all have the tendency to want more than we have, whether it be a bigger home, newer cars, more money or a better paying job which ultimately does not allow us to be content with where we are and with what we DO have. Please pray that I will continue to be content with the number of children we have and not the number we don't, that the Lord will continue to form the bond between our 2 boys regardless of the age difference, and that the Lord will show me ways that I can continue to encourage this bond between them.

Philippians 4:6-11 says: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:".

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