Day 18 - Using "white out" to cover my pain

As you know, Trayc's mom has gone back to Tennessee so we began our first "night hours" last night. Tristan did really good. His apnea monitor only went off once but he started breathing again immediately - the alarm is so loud it scares him so I think it wakes him up and he starts breathing again - it definitely wakes us up!!!!! This morning I was in the laundry room and I looked at the wall calendar and noticed it said December 20, but what really caught my eye was the "white out" all over the calendar. See, today was my original due date. I did the white out after we came home from the high-risk doctor's office on August 15th (when we found out Tristan had Trisomy 18 ). I was so devastated with all of the overwhelming information, the comment of "incompatible with life" and statistics we had just been given and I felt totally helpless and was hopeless. I remember falling to my knees below the calendar that day (which was in our bedroom at our old house) crying and saying out loud "Why?", "How could this happen to us, all we want is more children?", "How will the Lord ever use this in our life?", "How will Tristan ever make it to December?" , "How do I go on living every day knowing our baby will not live?" So, to protect my heart and cover up any future pain when I looked at the month of December, I quickly got out the white out and whited out the date, Tristan's full name and the words "3rd miracle baby" I had written at the bottom of the calendar back in April. As I looked at it today my heart was broken because I could see I was so sad, so devastated, so overwhelmed with grief therefore I never could have seen how the Lord would use this in our lives for the good. Although I will never be able to answer most of the questions I cried out that day, I do know that our precious baby boy DID MAKE IT to December, he was born alive, he is here with us in our home, he makes our family a family of 5 now and we just finished celebrating DAY 18. He truly is our family's 3rd miracle baby, maybe not how I would have chosen it to be, but this is the Lord's plan for our family which I have to believe with all my heart is the perfect plan for us. I see the Lord's hand on our lives more than I ever have before. I am daily praying that the Lord will use Tristan's precious little life, through our family, to reach out and minister to others that are hurting, that feel helpless and hopeless like I did 4 months ago. My hearts greatest desire, at this time, is that our story will give all the girls on this "Trisomy 18 road" (especially my internet friends, Kenzie Stanfield and Kim Summons - see their blog links under our family picture) renewed hope, the courage to stay close to the Lord, to trust in Him even on the hard days and although no one knows what the Lord's plan is for their baby, the Lord is faithful and He will carry them every step of the way. Tristan had another great day and we are looking forward to another night of family fun. As promised, we celebrated Christmas by listening to Christmas music during dinner and then we played a board game with Tanner, while Tayden chewed on the game pieces! Please pray for Tristan's continued strength and for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Bible notes: In the Book of Job we see a good man suffering for no apparent fault of his own but Job's story does not end in despair. In Job's life we see that faith in God is justified even when our situations look hopeless. To be unshakable, faith must be built on the confidence that God's ultimate purpose will come to pass. God alone knew the purpose behind Job's suffering, and yet He never explained it to Job. In spite of this, Job never gave up on God - even in the midst of suffering. He never placed his hope in his experience, his wisdom, his friends or his wealth. Job focused on God.