The 3rd

Yesterday morning, as we were driving to church and passed the hospital where Tristan was born, I realized that come Monday(today) it would be March 3rd - 3 months to the day that Tristan was born. I will never forget that day. Monday, December 3rd as we drove to the hospital with such excitement knowing we were finally going to be able to hold our precious little boy and yet there was fear as we were unaware of what that day would bring. We never imagined we would actually be able to bring our precious little boy home from the hospital and share 56 incredible days with him.

Those thoughts also led to me realizing that Tristan would have been 3 months old today! When I was pregnant and once we brought Tristan home, I NEVER, in 56 days allowed myself to think past the day we were celebrating, we lived "in the moment". However, since Tristan passed away there are days, like today, that my mind wanders and I think about where we would have been at this point. It's very hard to describe this emptiness in my heart and in my life, yet if you've lost a precious little baby then you completely understand. When you have a new healthy little baby you are so excited and you are bursting with an indescribable kind of love. You are very busy, every minute of the day/night, taking care of them. You have the every day excitement as you watch them grow and accomplish little things like lifting their head, smiling, taking more formula and before you know it you are buying the next size diapers and the next size clothes. Unfortunately, my hours are not filled with precious moments like those, they are only filled with precious memories of what once was.

I love being a mommy. It's something we longed for 5 long years before Tanner was born, 10 more years before Tayden was born and then only 1 short year before Tristan was born. We've spent a good part of our 17 1/2 yr. marriage trying to have children and build the family we so desperately wanted to have. So, now that I have suffered the loss of one of our precious children it's hard. I really miss Tristan so much. I miss those big brown eyes that were so alert, at night time of course. I miss watching him turn his head to the side as I would come up to the bassinet and talk to him. I miss rubbing his little face. I miss kissing his entire face when the feeding tube was out and he had no tape. I so miss that 24 hr care that made me feel like a new mommy! I long to feel those new mommy things like not getting a shower until 2:00 p.m., being exhausted to the point that I can't remember what day it is or if I've changed his diaper recently, what time the last feeding was, remembering if I gave him all his medications, just everything that comes with having a new baby!

I know that all of this is part of the grieving process and feel as though I am doing so much better than I ever believed I would be. Although I really wish the pain and emptiness I am feeling would go away sooner than later, what I don't want to do is rush it, ignore it or cover it up and it affect me years down the road. I know people who did not allow themselves time to grieve, people who rushed the grieving process and people who never actually got over the loss of someone and it has affected them to the point that it has changed their entire life. Right after we found out about Tristan having Trisomy 18, Trayc and I were laying in bed one night and I was crying and I said, "I am so scared of how this will affect me", "What if I never get over the loss?", "I don't want this to change who I am", "What if I never laugh again?", "I'm not a bitter or angry person but what if this destroys me?". He so sweetly, through many tears of his own, assured me that this would not change my personality, that we would still be the same close family, that our marriage would still be just as sweet, he promised me that he would not allow Satan to win in this situation and that as a family we would honor and glorify the Lord every step of the way. As much as I wanted to believe that back then, it almost seemed impossible as devastated as we were that night. But now, having just lost our precious little boy a mere 35 days ago, I can honestly say that it did not change my personality or who I am, I am laughing again, I am making memories again, I am not angry, I am not bitter, I am not angry or bitter towards God nor have I ever questioned why He allowed this for our family. What this HAS done is cause me to reach out to girls who are hurting, to have a more consistent quiet time, to have a more serious prayer life, to be more in love with Jesus than ever before, to trust in His plans more than my own, to be more committed to Him and long for Heaven to see the face of our Heavenly Father and to see my precious little boy again!

Please pray for us as we continue dealing with the loss of our precious little boy, as I work through the night hours and as we are diligently working on the foundation.


Bible notes (re: Genesis 50:1-11): When Jacob died at the age of 147, Joseph wept and mourned for months. When someone close to us dies, we need a long period of time to work through the grief. Crying and sharing our feelings with others helps us recover and go on with life. Allow yourself and others the freedom to grieve over the loss of a loved one and give yourself time enough to complete your grieving process.