Weepy Sunday

I have mixed feelings on Sundays now. A part of me looks forward all week to Sunday so we can go to church, sing songs and hear the message. The other part of me still gets so sad on Sundays as it is the day of the week that Tristan passed away. I would say that overall I am really doing good. The pain does not seem as real as it did a few weeks ago. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, or should I say one night at a time as that's when I usually struggle. But my nights are getting better and no more night time tears! Of course, just when I think I'm doing good and making it through the grieving stage faster than I thought I might, it hits me again!!!! Amazing how FAST the sadness can reappear and how QUICKLY the unstoppable tears flow in any given moment.

I was really looking forward to church this morning and hearing our pastor preach another wonderful message, as they all seem to apply to us lately. Just as soon as we drove past the hospital where Tristan was born the tears started flowing. I quickly wiped them away because I did not want Tanner to see them. They just kept coming and coming and coming. I don't know why I was so sad. No particular thought, other than thinking about Tristan so I had lots of tears all the way to church. We dropped Tanner off at the door of the Children's building and as we drove into the Preschool parking garage I told Trayc that I just didn't think I could go to Sunday School. Trayc said, "Why are you so sad today?", I said, "I don't know", he said, "Was there a thought you had?", I said, "No, but I don't need a particular thought, I just miss my little boy so much!". Okay, I said this last response with a little too much hurt in my voice and it came out like I was mad (note: this is not normally how I respond!). I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just so sad", he sweetly said, "It's okay honey, you're a mommy who misses her little boy". I think it came across a little harsh because I get so frustrated - frustrated with myself. One minute I'm so proud of myself for making it through this grieving process and making it through the days/nights without crying and then all of a sudden the tears start again which makes me feel so weak again and then I get scared that I'll have a set back and have to begin this process all over again! We sat in the car until the tears stopped. I attempted to put on a happy face as we took Tayden to his class but guess what? Yes, the tears came again as we walked past the nursery (first time I've had tears walking past there!). As we walked over to church I was trying my best to hide the tears because I did not want people to see me so sad. As the service began with singing, the tears came back again, but I lifted up my voice and prayerfully sing:

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul!


Oh yes, there is no doubt this has been a weepy, weepy Sunday. This whole grieving process is still so new to me. I am reminded, now more than ever, how fortunate I have been in my 40 years of life to have only suffered the loss of one family member, my grandfather in 1993. My life has been so full of things to be thankful for: My godly, christian husband of 18 years, my 2 miracle boys (Tanner and Tayden), 56 days with our miracle little boy Tristan, our sweet home, all of my family members living here in the same town, being close to Trayc's family, our church, my friends and the list goes on and on. Therefore sickness, pain, suffering, death and grief have not been a part of my life. However, since I began this Trisomy 18 road in August it seems as though my life has certainly seen its share. Whether it's the cardiologist office where at least 15 children were waiting to see the doctor or 30 plus children waiting to see specialists at the children's hospital or all the children walking around the children's hospital in their PJ's holding their parents hand or being pushed in their wheelchair or children wearing cute little hats to cover up their baldness from chemo treatments or becoming friends with sweet girls on the Internet or whether its coming across other girls' blogs of similar situation, there are so many parents hurting and grieving.

Even though this journey has seen pain and suffering and the uncertainty of tomorrow, it has also allowed me to pray and see so many prayer requests answered. Each girl has prayed for specific requests throughout their pregnancy and how exciting it was to pray along side them and see the Lord granted their requests - what a great and awesome God we serve. This journey has also given me a renewed sense of thankfulness for all that I have and given me a heart for girls going through these kind of situations whether its due to T-18 or another kind of genetic disorder. My prayer list has never been as full as it is right now. There are so many sweet girls that have lost their precious babies. Although I only communicate with half of them on a daily basis, each one of them is in my thoughts and prayers every day. Today I just feel led to name these sweet mommies and would ask that you remember them during your prayer time as well, you can also read about their journey on their blogs:

Angie (mommy to Poppy Joy)

Kenzie (mommy to Maddox)

Kim (mommy to Mary Grace)

Emily (mommy to Miller Grace)

Kristy (mommy to Issac and Asher "Happy")

Boothe (mommy to Copeland)

Ginny (mommy to Eliot)

Kristin (mommy to Jonathan)

Kim (mommy to Christian)

Mandy (mommy to Madeline)

Heidi (mommy to Sully)


Some of these girls are further down the road of grief and yet others have just begun. No matter the stage of grief, we all experience the same emotions at one time or another. We have good days and not so good days. We are happy. We are sad. We laugh. We cry. We hope. We dream. We long for more days of emotional strength than days of emotional weakness. We are all learning to live a "new kind of normal". Whatever path we choose, we are all moving forward knowing the Lord will carry us through this stage just as He did throughout our pregnancy. It is so exciting to already see how the Lord is working in each of our lives. Some are writing books to remember their journey, some are waiting on a call from an adoption agency, some are waiting for 2 pink lines to appear on a pregnant test, or, like us, some are forming a foundation to help encourage girls that will eventually travel this same journey. And, whatever direction we each chose to take, I believe the Lord will bless each one of us for opening up our hearts and lives, for our trust and obedience to Him and our willingness to help all of the girls who come behind us.

I would ask that you also remember the following names of mommies who are either pregnant or their precious babies are still with them (they are amazing doctors each day as they beat the statistics!):

Connie (mommy to Mallorie, 1 year old)

Emily (mommy to Cohen, born March 5th)

Chrissy (mommy to Eva, due March 17th)

Cathy (mommy to Annabel, 3 years old)

Susie (mommy to Joshua, on Day 62 today)


2 Kings 20:5 says: "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you."