1 month ago....

Today is February 27th! I cannot believe that 1 month ago our precious little boy quickly slipped from my arms into the arms of Jesus. We miss Tristan so much as our hearts, our lives and our home has been changed forever!

I look back on Sunday, January 27th and I am still in shock of how everything happened so fast and unexpectedly. I really believed, as told by several doctors, that we would see a change, a decline in Tristan's health, something that would prepare us for the end but we didn't! I am so thankful now that we "lived in the moment" and lived every day to the fullest because our time of saying goodbye was so quick. It's still hard to even remember exactly what happened from the moment I rushed in the door, ran up the stairs to our bedroom and Trayc handed Tristan to me at 4:35 pm and he passed away a mere 5 minutes later. I question Trayc about those last few minutes all the time asking "he was alive when I got home right?" "he was looking at me?" "do you believe he knew I was there?" "do you believe he heard me?". Just so many things as a mommy that I need to be reassured of! I only have one regret in 56 days - I regret going to the store that day as that was always my biggest fear of why I never wanted to leave the house!!!! My sweet husband tells me, all the time, that I don't need to look at that day with any regret because Tristan looked great before I left for the store. We changed his clothes, his diaper, he was alert, his apnea monitor had not gone off that day nor the night before, he was looking at me when I leaned in his bassinet to kiss him on his little checks and said, "Mommy loves you, I'm going to the store and I'll be right back okay!" I really didn't want to leave that day but then again I never wanted to leave his side. Because I was having such a hard time leaving him Trayc and I even talked about him going to the store instead of me but then I told him that we needed a lot of groceries and I'm better at that than he is (we've always gone to the store together so if he goes alone then he gets what he thinks is important like cookies, cereal and Dr. Pepper). Trayc reminds me that if I had seen any kind of change in Tristan I never would have left and he's right. He also said that I need to turn the regret I feel into thankfulness for the way everything happened for several reasons: (1) it was a Sunday so Trayc was home and not at work (2) Trayc was home NOT me, I can't imagine how I would have been if I had been at the house without Trayc (3) Tristan 's health looked as though he was progressing not digressing so we did not know we were near the end (4) We did not see Tristan decline and suffer (5) Tristan passed away quickly without any pain or suffering (6) Tanner and I made it home from the grocery store in time to have the last 5 minutes with him and most importantly, (7) Tristan had the strength to hold on until I got home - oh how thankful I am for this!!!!! So, I'm trying to remember all of that and although I regret going to the store that day, I know in my heart that just as the Lord planned for Tristan to be born on Monday, December 3, 2007 at 12:42 pm and planned for him to have 56 days with us, He also planned that on Sunday, January 27, 2008 at 4:40 pm He would take Tristan home. That was His plan and I trust in His plans far more than my own plans or desires.

There are days when the pain still feels so fresh and real and yet there are days it seems like a lifetime ago as our lives are adjusting to a new kind of normal. Overall though, I honestly believe that I am doing a lot better than I expected to be doing this soon afterwards and as a family we are back to laughing, having fun and making memories. I wake up every morning, turn on the computer just so I can get to this blog and enlarge (full screen) the last picture we took of Tristan on Day 53. He looked so sweet, so happy, so healthy and I certainly never imagined that would have been the last picture we took. During the day I'm good. I am busy home-schooling Tanner, taking him to soccer 2xs a week, piano lesson 1x a week and church 3xs a week along with keeping up with Tayden. However, at night time (when we're at home) it's a different story. As soon as the sun sets and the darkness appears my emotions change and my carefree, happy, fun spirit seems to quickly diminish and I become very quiet and sad. I try so hard to stay the same way I am during the day but along with the darkness also comes the memories which breaks my heart! My nights are really hard at home so whether it's church on Sunday night or Wednesday night, going to the mall, going to the grocery store, walking in our neighborhood, a family member's house, whatever it is....... as long as we're out of the house at night time I'm good. It's like I've mentioned before, Tristan's days and nights were mixed up, he was awake at night so that is when we made all of our memories. You know, when you're living day-to-day, in the moment and trying to cram a lifetime of memories into a short period of time you don't think about anything else except making memories so now, even the simplest of things we did like praying at the dinner table is hard. We would put Tristan's bassinet, or his bouncy seat, between Trayc and I so that I could hold his little hand as we prayed so I feel the emptiness from the very beginning of the evening with prayer at the table! And then there are the other things we did for 56 days that I miss like looking into his big brown eyes, rubbing his little face, kissing his little cheeks, holding him in my arms, watching him turn his little head and look at me when I'd talk to him, changing his little diaper, dressing him in new little outfits, using Dreft detergent to wash his preemie clothes, sitting in our brown chair and holding him when we watched TV, getting in bed and leaning halfway in his bassinet to pray with him and sing "Jesus Loves Me", sleeping without the noise of the oxygen concentrator, sleeping with the lights on so I could see him ALL NIGHT, feeding him every 3 hours, running every time his apnea monitor went off, coming up with creative family events to do every night, taking pictures, bathing him and the absence of his bassinet beside our bed. And the hardest of all - being able to hold my precious little boy in my arms with Trayc, Tanner and Tayden beside me and feeling as though time stood still for 56 days and my life felt more perfect, more whole and more complete than ever before! The days we shared together healed every tear I cried and every fear I felt when the doctors shattered our hopes and dreams, on August 15th, with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis for our precious little boy. The days we experienced were everything I had ever prayed for and more! I am so thankful the Lord chose us to be Tristan's parents and that He allowed us so much time.

Although the last month has been hard as we grieve the loss of our little boy, I would do it all over again! The fulfillment I experienced being Tristan's mommy is far more than words can describe. I always feared the thought of having a "special needs" child however I now know that there is nothing to fear, they are just the same as healthy babies they just require a little more attention and you know what, I would have spent the rest of my life giving that required attention to Tristan and never have any regrets!

The comfort we hold to on the hard days is that Tristan is now in Heaven and in the presence of Jesus, face-to-face! He has no feeding tube, no apnea wires, no oxygen tube and he takes no medications. His little body has been made whole and one day our family of 5 will be reunited. Oh, I long for the day to stand in the presence of our Heavenly Father and thank Him for the 56 days he blessed us with and at the same time be reunited with our precious little boy! The song that comes to mind is one we used to sing at church when Dr. Lindsay, Jr. was alive - "What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, when I look upon His face, the one who saved me by His grace, when He takes me by the hand and leads me to the promised land, what a day, glorious day that will be". In elementary, jr. and sr. high I would sing this as just another church song, but oh how time and life experiences change the way we long for Heaven and causes us to sing songs in a whole new way. I can't even get through a song at church these days without crying (sweet tears) as I sing them with all my heart and as a praise to the Lord for all that He has blessed our family with. I long to be at church and 3xs a week just doesn't seem to be quite enough - I just want to sit on the front row and be ministered to and sing songs about the Lord and Heaven 7 days a week. How grateful I am for such an incredible pastor, music ministry, church body and Christian friends who greet us with smiles, hugs and words of encouragement and support every time we're there.

Thank you for understanding my inability to blog the last 2 weeks. I can honestly say I now know what it means to have writers block. I have been at such a loss for words and didn't really know how or what to say. I greatly appreciate my sweet husband being willing to blog on behalf of our family.

I would ask that you continue to pray for our family as we are healing, please pray for me as I continue working through the night hours and especially pray for Trayc and I as we are working on the foundation, in honor of our little boy, to help minister to other families that will eventually travel this same Trisomy 18 road.