A new month, a new journey

Today is the 1st day of February. It's a new day, a new month, a new beginning and a new journey. This new journey will certainly be different than one we've ever traveled before as I have never suffered the loss of a baby. I have also learned that you can never be prepared, just as we are each different individuals we each grieve differently. All 3 of my sweet "Internet" friends lost their precious babies before me. I would read their entries trying to understand what the grieving process would be like to prepare my heart for the inevitable. I now know that it is in no way the same as my friends. Although our pregnancy journeys were the same because our precious babies were diagnosed with T-18, our grieving is totally different. I did not realize I could love my precious little boy so much, become so attached and miss him as much as I do after sharing a mere 56 days. He impacted our lives in such an unbelievable way, one that is truly unexplainable. We were touched in a way that has forever changed us.

We've been so busy since Tristan passed away Sunday night so I really didn't feel the loss until yesterday morning! There was such a difference about the house, it was so quiet without the oxygen concentrator and there was such an emptiness without Tristan here. How is it that EVERYTHING in our home reminds me of Tristan? From our night stand light that we kept on all night long (I never did have enough faith to turn it off - now I'm so glad I didn't, I was able to see him all night), the area beside our baby where his bassinet once was, the counter top in the bathroom where we had all of his feeding tube supplies, the Dreft detergent (I never realized how much that little baby looked like Tristan - his fist are even clenched), drawers of preemie clothes, tiny diapers, cabinets of formula, cabinets filled with feeding tubes and oxygen tubes, the shelf in the refrigerator where his feeding IV bags were, the oxygen concentrator, the oxygen tanks, the car seat, the list goes on and on. I was fixing dinner tonight (facing the opposite direction from the TV) and I heard a beeping noise. I stopped and literally turned around to run up the stairs and then realized.......it was the TV....... not Tristan's apnea monitor, my heart just sank. I fought back the tears and didn't say anything to Trayc because Tanner was right there but later I mentioned it to him and he said, "Oh I know, I heard it - it's the same sound you hear when a construction truck backs up too!" I have to keep reminding myself that I'm ONLY on day 6 so this is all normal, I'm sure. The pain is so real right now, I'm ready for it to subside so that I can think of the 56 days we had with excitement instead of being so sad.

I know that for me the best thing is to stay busy and fortunately I have Tanner and Tayden with me all day to help with that. I sat down tonight and made a list of upcoming things for me to start focusing on. I'm better when I get up and get going and have a plan - I'm a planner. So, I got out the calendar and scheduled everything for the rest of the year. I usually do this the day I buy a new calendar however I did not do it when I bought the 2008 calendar because of all the uncertainties with Tristan and not knowing what the year would bring. When Tristan was here I would wake up every day and write what day we were on so I would never have to use white out if he didn't make it to the next day - we lived in the moment and lived for the day only! Now, in order to keep my mind consumed I need to get focused on the rest of the year. We have church, soccer, piano, vacation, Easter, Tayden's birthday, Tanner's birthday, etc. Oh, and of course add home-schooling Tanner to that.

Honestly, overall I really feel great and am surprised at how good I feel during the day, however, the night time is a different story. As the sun starts setting and the darkness appears that's when my emotional sadness and struggles begin. Tristan had his days and nights mixed up so he'd slept all day long so I really only feed him and changed him during the day but as soon as Trayc would come home around 5:00 pm Tristan would wake up, look around, move his sweet lips and try to talk to us and he would be alert the entire night so we'd hold him and love him and smoother him with kisses at night and then I spent my nights either holding him or leaning halfway into his bassinet. This is why the night time is extremely hard. I've laid in Trayc's arms for the past 4 nights crying myself to sleep because I feel so sad and so alone, I miss my little boy so much and I just want one more night to hold him, to rub his little face, to pray with him and to sing "Jesus Loves Me" to him - just one more night! Of course, Trayc feels the loss too but in so many different ways. His heart breaks when he turns on the water in the kitchen because he feels like he should be cleaning out/making more IV feeding bags and he struggles with not being able to feed Tristan every 3 hours. Our bodies are set to wake up and feed Tristan and that has not changed yet, so the loss is felt over and over and over.

Tanner is doing really well! We are so proud of him. Of course it was so emotional for him as Tristan was passing away and he was talking to him but we've all been so open with each other and sharing our feelings so we're all working through it together. He was so excited to go to church Tuesday night, there was a special rehearsal for the upcoming Pastor's Conference so my step-dad took him. He was able to see all of his friends, he loves going to church so it's been hard for him to miss the last 8 Sundays and Wednesdays but he understood why we weren't able to go.

The Lord is continuing to carry our family just as he did throughout our pregnancy. He is continuing to bless us with sweet family and friends to love and support us as we begin this new journey.

I would ask that you please continue to keep our family in your prayers in the days ahead as we deal with the loss of Tristan and begin our lives again and please pray specifically for me that I will work through the pain, the loss and the emotions I feel so much during the night hours.