Sunday, March 9, 2008

Weepy Sunday

I have mixed feelings on Sundays now. A part of me looks forward all week to Sunday so we can go to church, sing songs and hear the message. The other part of me still gets so sad on Sundays as it is the day of the week that Tristan passed away. I would say that overall I am really doing good. The pain does not seem as real as it did a few weeks ago. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, or should I say one night at a time as that's when I usually struggle. But my nights are getting better and no more night time tears! Of course, just when I think I'm doing good and making it through the grieving stage faster than I thought I might, it hits me again!!!! Amazing how FAST the sadness can reappear and how QUICKLY the unstoppable tears flow in any given moment.

I was really looking forward to church this morning and hearing our pastor preach another wonderful message, as they all seem to apply to us lately. Just as soon as we drove past the hospital where Tristan was born the tears started flowing. I quickly wiped them away because I did not want Tanner to see them. They just kept coming and coming and coming. I don't know why I was so sad. No particular thought, other than thinking about Tristan so I had lots of tears all the way to church. We dropped Tanner off at the door of the Children's building and as we drove into the Preschool parking garage I told Trayc that I just didn't think I could go to Sunday School. Trayc said, "Why are you so sad today?", I said, "I don't know", he said, "Was there a thought you had?", I said, "No, but I don't need a particular thought, I just miss my little boy so much!". Okay, I said this last response with a little too much hurt in my voice and it came out like I was mad (note: this is not normally how I respond!). I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just so sad", he sweetly said, "It's okay honey, you're a mommy who misses her little boy". I think it came across a little harsh because I get so frustrated - frustrated with myself. One minute I'm so proud of myself for making it through this grieving process and making it through the days/nights without crying and then all of a sudden the tears start again which makes me feel so weak again and then I get scared that I'll have a set back and have to begin this process all over again! We sat in the car until the tears stopped. I attempted to put on a happy face as we took Tayden to his class but guess what? Yes, the tears came again as we walked past the nursery (first time I've had tears walking past there!). As we walked over to church I was trying my best to hide the tears because I did not want people to see me so sad. As the service began with singing, the tears came back again, but I lifted up my voice and prayerfully sing:

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul!

Oh yes, there is no doubt this has been a weepy, weepy Sunday. This whole grieving process is still so new to me. I am reminded, now more than ever, how fortunate I have been in my 40 years of life to have only suffered the loss of one family member, my grandfather in 1993. My life has been so full of things to be thankful for: My godly, christian husband of 18 years, my 2 miracle boys (Tanner and Tayden), 56 days with our miracle little boy Tristan, our sweet home, all of my family members living here in the same town, being close to Trayc's family, our church, my friends and the list goes on and on. Therefore sickness, pain, suffering, death and grief have not been a part of my life. However, since I began this Trisomy 18 road in August it seems as though my life has certainly seen its share. Whether it's the cardiologist office where at least 15 children were waiting to see the doctor or 30 plus children waiting to see specialists at the children's hospital or all the children walking around the children's hospital in their PJ's holding their parents hand or being pushed in their wheelchair or children wearing cute little hats to cover up their baldness from chemo treatments or becoming friends with sweet girls on the Internet or whether its coming across other girls' blogs of similar situation, there are so many parents hurting and grieving.

Even though this journey has seen pain and suffering and the uncertainty of tomorrow, it has also allowed me to pray and see so many prayer requests answered. Each girl has prayed for specific requests throughout their pregnancy and how exciting it was to pray along side them and see the Lord granted their requests - what a great and awesome God we serve. This journey has also given me a renewed sense of thankfulness for all that I have and given me a heart for girls going through these kind of situations whether its due to T-18 or another kind of genetic disorder. My prayer list has never been as full as it is right now. There are so many sweet girls that have lost their precious babies. Although I only communicate with half of them on a daily basis, each one of them is in my thoughts and prayers every day. Today I just feel led to name these sweet mommies and would ask that you remember them during your prayer time as well, you can also read about their journey on their blogs:

Angie (mommy to Poppy Joy)

Kenzie (mommy to Maddox)

Kim (mommy to Mary Grace)

Emily (mommy to Miller Grace)

Kristy (mommy to Issac and Asher "Happy")

Boothe (mommy to Copeland)

Ginny (mommy to Eliot)

Kristin (mommy to Jonathan)

Kim (mommy to Christian)

Mandy (mommy to Madeline)

Heidi (mommy to Sully)

Some of these girls are further down the road of grief and yet others have just begun. No matter the stage of grief, we all experience the same emotions at one time or another. We have good days and not so good days. We are happy. We are sad. We laugh. We cry. We hope. We dream. We long for more days of emotional strength than days of emotional weakness. We are all learning to live a "new kind of normal". Whatever path we choose, we are all moving forward knowing the Lord will carry us through this stage just as He did throughout our pregnancy. It is so exciting to already see how the Lord is working in each of our lives. Some are writing books to remember their journey, some are waiting on a call from an adoption agency, some are waiting for 2 pink lines to appear on a pregnant test, or, like us, some are forming a foundation to help encourage girls that will eventually travel this same journey. And, whatever direction we each chose to take, I believe the Lord will bless each one of us for opening up our hearts and lives, for our trust and obedience to Him and our willingness to help all of the girls who come behind us.

I would ask that you also remember the following names of mommies who are either pregnant or their precious babies are still with them (they are amazing doctors each day as they beat the statistics!):

Connie (mommy to Mallorie, 1 year old)

Emily (mommy to Cohen, born March 5th)

Chrissy (mommy to Eva, due March 17th)

Cathy (mommy to Annabel, 3 years old)

Susie (mommy to Joshua, on Day 62 today)

2 Kings 20:5 says: "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you."


Michelle said...

I pray for you almost every night.

Emily said...

Ohh, I love you. :) Thank you for sharing your heart, the heart I identify so closely with, today. Remember, babe, His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Jesus wept, too. You are free to rest in His arms and let it all out and not a single tear will go uncounted by the One who holds those babies for a little while... until we're all home together. ;)

Blessed be His name.

Laurie said...

I love you Yvette and am so glad that you let the tears flow. Tristan stole your hearts and is not a little fellow that will ever be forgotten. He is in your heart so deep, and it hurts to miss him. Tears are never a sign of weakness sweet friend. They measure the depth of the love and loss. They will be with you for quite some time, not meaning you are starting all over, but getting you through. I love your heart for sharing here, teaching us who do not know this sorrow, how to love and encourage you through. I am thankful I have not experienced this kind of loss, but I cannot turn my back on those who have. So, my prayers are with you for a very long time.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.

So Blessed said...

Praying for you, Yvette...and for all the others you have listed. Asking the Lord to comfort and uphold each of you in your time of greatest need.

amie said...

I pray that God will give you what need at the exact moment that you need it. His grace is sufficienct for our weakness. God has big plans for you. You are using your life to glorify Him.
Have a good day today!
With love,

boltefamily said...

You are completely entitled to have weepy days! I am still waiting for a not so weepy day! Thank you for sharing this with us and thank you for your prayers. We are still praying for you as well!

Jen in Al said...

praying for you every day! don't feel bad if you have a "weepy" day! Jesus holds your tears in His hands and i believe He cries with us over our pain and joy. thank you for your sweet beautiful honesty and heart for others. it is such a blessing! I just know Tristan is so proud of his Mommy! Praying...jen in al

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Love you Yvette. I know that we both have ups and downs, but the confidence in the Lord and His good and perfect plan for our lives is something we both share as well. I love you and I know that Sundays are hard... Be joyful for the good times of sweet happiness and joyful for the tearful times of sweet remembrance.

Love you much and praying as always!

Aggiema (Michelle) said...

My situation is very different from yours but I recently lost my mother from pancreatic cancer. I often find myself crying through church and someone pointed out to me that it is probably due in part to church being one of the few times I sit still and am quiet. This made sense to me because during the week I am busy with the "stuff" in my life but on Sundays, I sit quietly and all the thoughts and feelings flood in. I pray that the Great Comforter continues to hold you and your family in the palm of His hand and give you the comfort you need.

Mandy said...

Thank you for thinking of me and all the other ladies who are hurting still. Grief is a strange experience and one I am still getting use to. It still hits me and this week has been particularly difficult for whatever reason. I know you miss Tristan, just as I miss Madeline. God bless you and know I think of you often and check on you daily.

Mandy H.

Kim ( said...

Dear Yvette,
Every time I come to your blog page - the first thing I see is 56 days of miracles - and it reminds me what miracle and blessing Tristan Asher is. You are so blessed, we all are but we lost our sweet babies. And we know they are in a better place but our hearts are ripped out and we have every right to be weepy - Weep on sweet friend -it does bring healing. Like Emily said - His strength is made perfect in our weakness. God created us - Mothers with a heart for her children, when they are taken away a part of our heart is missing. It will hurt, but joy cometh in the morning.
Thank you for continuing to pray for me - all of us. You are such a precious friend and I am grateful for you every day.
I will continue to pray for you - all of us. I am so blessed to hear you are having some sweet sleep - now that's healing!
With love,

Chris & Emily said...

I have been following your blog for a month or two but just never commented - I took joy in watching Tristan's life and cried many tears when you lost him. Thank you for following our life with Cohen and for your prayers. It means so much. Many many prayers to you as you continue with your journey and grief.

meela said...

It has been a blessing to come across your blog. It is a comfort to read other stories similar to one's own, so I am grateful for your sharing of it. The John 11 verse was the one I opened to the night my Annabelle was born. I will pray for you tonight.

M said...

Praying for you.

Love, Michelle

Clare Dungey said...

I had those weepy Sunday church services too and our baby Theo didn't even leave us on a Sunday so don't be too hard on yourself. I have never been angry at God about the whole situation but I did find facing people at church quite hard. My husband was quite firm with me and made me go. At the time, I thought he was being a bit mean but he was right in the long run - I couldn't hide away.

Things do become easier to deal with I promise. The grief stays real but you learn to handle it better. Give yourself time.

Love and prayers,
Clare xx

Kim said...

I remember thinking in some dark hours after my grandmother died that it could never be worse (I thought this especially for my mom) than the actual moment that she died, that moment when she was gone and that became the new reality. Even though I knew she was with Jesus and I knew she was whole and healed, the moment of death just seems to be the worst.

So I guess I say all that to say that you should never fear that you have to start grieving all over. You are already so far from the darkest hour! I can see Jesus shining through your hope and your joy in Tanner, Tayden, and Tristan. I love that all of your boys were the results of such precious miracles - it speaks so fully of how willing you are to let God work miracles IN and THROUGH you!

I am praying for peace and comfort for you...