Doctor's appt.

This morning at 10:15 am we had a doctor's appt. and finally got to speak with the doctor regarding the results from Tuesday's sonogram. He confirmed all of the information about Tristan's weight and size, which he is still very impressed with, and did agree that there was a little bit of fluid behind his head, but said this is very common with Trisomy 18 babies. He said that it was good that this is just now starting because we only have 5 1/2 weeks left so he is hoping that the fluid will slow down, he will be able to determine that at the next sonogram on November 12th. Please be praying that Tristan will continue to gain weight, to grow and that the fluid in his brain will SLOW DOWN!!!!

Escaping reality, if only for a pumpkin

Every year, since Tanner was born, we have gone to the pumpkin patch at a church down the street from our old house. The church is still very special to me because I attended there from the time I was born until I was in 4th grade. Because we moved in August, and now live 45 minutes from that church/pumpkin patch, we were going to find a pumpkin patch closer to our new home but Tanner insisted that we go back to the other one because that's where we had always gone and he wanted Tayden to go where he had always gone. So, this afternoon we packed up the boys and drove 45 minutes to the pumpkin patch, took pictures and let the boys pick out a pumpkin - the things we do for our children, right? We had so much fun! Tayden was so cute as he ran around touching and pointing at the pumpkins and trying to explain "in his own mumbled words" that it was a pumpkin and trying to tell Tanner all about it!!! Events like the pumpkin patch, our wedding anniversary last week, our weekend getaway last weekend and the planning of Thanksgiving are moments that are so good for me because they allow me to escape from reality, the reality of my pregnancy/baby being considered "incompatible with life" and the uncertainty of our time with Tristan. No, I don't ever truly forget about it, I mean, I did have several thoughts as we were at the pumpkin patch of "oh, I wish Tristan would be here next year - he'd be 10 months old, I wonder what we'd dressed him up as and I wish he'd be in the pumpkin patch with the boys" but then I have to stop and say to myself, "it's okay, he's really in the pictures this year (we took some family pictures) because he's alive inside of me and that's all that matters". We've all heard people say "laughter is good for the soul" and I truly agree with that right now. Laughter is good, we are still having so much fun as a family doing all the normal things families do together which is exactly what I need because if not I could be sad, down, depressed and drowning in my sorrow, due to Tristan's condition, and cause my 2 boys, who are alive and well, to miss out on the things that are so important in their little lives right now. They grow up so fast and moments like the pumpkin patch will be gone before we know it, so I want to enjoy every moment. We will have time, in the future, to mourn for Tristan but not today - he is still alive and kicking!!!

Doctor's appt. - Sonogram only

This morning at 11:15 am we had a sonogram only, we do not actually meet with the doctor until Friday morning. We were so excited to see Tristan again, alive and kicking just like a normal baby, as this is something we have come to hold on to every 2 weeks. His heart rate was still very strong at 148, he has gained 1/2 lb., so he now weighs 3 1/2 lbs., his measurements are still right where they should be and he has hair, yes they saw hair (again my mom hopes for red), I've never seen hair on a sonogram, Tanner and Tayden were both bald until they were at least a year old! The sonographer voiced a bit of concern though because she saw a little fluid on the back of his head, that had built up since our last appt. 2 weeks ago, but assured us this usually happens with Trisomy 18 babies - we will have to wait until Friday to speak with the doctor for his opinion. It was hard to hear though and I did start crying a little as we left, I think it just hit me a little hard because we have had really good news every time, with no additional problems, and then all of a sudden we get news we weren't expecting. This pregnancy feels so normal, like with Tanner and Tayden, so honestly sometimes I forget the Trisomy 18 part because we are just feeling such a peace and excitement. Trayc reminded me that Tristan's heart rate has stayed strong, he has continued to grow, we knew these kind of things are a possibility, and that we are praying for the miracle of him being born alive and are told this fluid doesn't affect that. We have made it to 33 weeks!!! Please continue to pray for us as we enter these last few weeks of pregnancy, for Tristan's continued growth and weight gain, that the fluid will SLOW DOWN and that he will hang on 6 more weeks.

"Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization

After Tristan was diagnosed with having Trisomy 18 my brother-in-law told Trayc about a podcast he had seen regarding a photography organization that takes pictures for parents during infancy bereavement/loss and that it was free of charge. Trayc and I began doing some research online and found the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" charity organization. The photographer comes to the hospital on the day of the birth, takes pictures and gives them to you, all of this for free! On the website I pulled up the U.S. map, clicked on Florida and then clicked on Jacksonville photographers, we are fortunate enough to have 20 photographers that participate. I was scrolling down the list and noticed the name Peggy McAteer. I did not personally know her, but her name was very familiar, a lot of my friends at church had used her for their weddings and I had walked by her studio years ago and noticed her portraits in the window - they were incredible and something I have never forgotten. Because this named jumped out at me we decided to call her, we explained our story and then met with her on October 5th. She was so sweet and said she would be honored to take the pictures of our precious baby boy. She put my c-section date on her calendar and said we would have her and another photographer from her studio, ALL DAY long. She also said that she would like to take prenatal pictures of me and our family. We couldn't believe it, the Lord was again using another entity on this "Trisomy 18 road" to bless us in a very special way. My and Trayc's family are absolutely photo fanatics, we have the big expense cameras with the big lenses and we take lots of pictures, so it would not be unusual for us to have several cameras taking pictures at the hospital, just as we did at Tanner and Tayden's birth, however this time is so different. We realize that, if Tristan is born alive, our time with him is uncertain, it could be a few minutes or hours and we don't want our family members caught up in taking pictures, making sure the lighting is right, making sure the pose is just right, etc. We want that moment in time to just "stand still" so that everyone can be a part and enjoy it without any other responsibilities.

Today we had our prenatal pictures made at Peggy's studio and we had so much fun! Tanner and Tayden got to put their hands on my big belly and it was just so sweet to see their little faces. These are the pictures we will hold on to and cherish when Tristan is no longer with us.

Thank you to the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization for the passion you have to help parents like us cherish the brief moments we have with our precious babies.

Thank you to Peggy McAteer (and Mark) for your graciousness and willingness to help us cherish every moment from our pregnancy to Tristan's birth. We will forever be grateful!

If you have a need for pictures like this you can go to the website: www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

Our anniversary celebration

After we found out about Tristan on August 15th my doctor asked that I not travel further than 1 hour from the hospital, in that the statistics for Trisomy 18 has a 50% rate of babies not making it to full-term. Well, we already live 30 minutes from the hospital, so technically I can't go far. Because we knew this back in August we went ahead and booked a hotel locally so that we could still celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary in that normally we spend our anniversary out-of-town, for a week, but this year we had to celebrate differently. We stayed at the Casa Monica Hotel, which is actually right around the corner from our new house (hey, I can travel that far!). Our anniversary celebration included dinner at the hotel's 95 Cordova, a horse-buggy ride, one night stay, in-room dining for breakfast and a surprise gift from the hotel - chocolate covered strawberries (just what any pregnant girl wants, chocolate!). We had an incredible weekend together and it was great to have some "alone time"! We love our 2 boys dearly and love being a mom and dad but there is just something about getting dressed up for dinner and a weekend getaway that makes you feel refreshed and renewed again! We felt as though we really needed this time alone this year because we are only 6 1/2 weeks from Tristan being born and once he is here, due to the uncertainty of his precious little life, we will not want to be away from him or from our 2 boys.

Anne Bradstreet (c.1612-1672) wrote: "If ever two were one, then surely we. If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee. If ever wife was happy in man, Compare with me, ye women, if you can. I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold, Or all the riches that the East doth hold. My love is such that rivers cannot quench, Nor ought but love from thee give recompense. Thy love is such I can no way repay; The heavens reward thee manifold I pray. Then while we live, in love let's so persevere, That when we live no more, we may live ever."

Today we've been married 17 years!!!!

It is hard to believe that we were married 17 years ago tonight at 7:00 pm. My mom is the wedding director at our church (20 yrs this year), so she obviously wanted it to all be perfect.... and perfect it was. I felt like a princess, wearing my mom's wedding dress from 1961, walking down the aisle to my prince. It was absolutely beautiful, with 560 family and friends in attendance, 10 bridesmaids, 10 groomsmen, 2 flower girls, 1 ring bearer and a minister. That day had been "a long time coming" because we had dated for 3 years and 1 week! As you can see from the picture above, we were so young, 23 yrs old, to be exact! On your wedding day, as you are reciting your vows, that you've dreamt of saying since you were little, you don't really know ALL that you are vowing to, do you, because you don't know what the future holds or what trials/tribulations you would face in the years ahead, after all, how could you? All we knew was that we loved each other, that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and we felt like we had found the Lord's best - each other! We had the "perfect" dating relationship, we saw each other every Sunday morning and Sunday night at church, Tuesday night for church visitation, Wednesday night for church and then we'd go out either Friday or Saturday night, of course, always getting to my doorstep 30 minutes prior to my 11:00 pm curfew so we could spend those last few minutes gazing into each others eyes and saying goodbye over and over, because we'd have to wait at least a day or two until we would see each other again, oh those were the days weren't they? We had both grown up in Christian homes so the Lord was first in our lives and first in our dating relationship, therefore there was no doubt He would be first in our marriage and home. As anyone who is married knows, marriage is harder than dating. Dating is easy, fun and there is really no responsibility especially when you still live at home with your parents. On the other hand, with marriage comes the union of two people, two families, love, respect, responsibility, commitment, faithfulness and unselfishness, and at the same time it can often bring, by our own self-doing, heartache, disappointment, separation, stress, debt, infertility issues , tragedy and unforeseen deaths. Obviously you don't think about these things when you say "I do" and fortunately not, because that could scare anyone to the point of not getting married. Although we have experienced all that marriage brings with it, the good and bad, we made it through together and we are now so thankful for the "difficult times" because it has made us the strong couple we are today which overflows into the wonderful home life we share. We are so in-love with each other, we are so thankful for the 2 "miracle" boys we have and for our precious unborn "miracle" baby boy, Tristan. The Lord has brought us a long way in 17 years and we look forward to many more years of happiness as we travel this life together, side-by-side and hand-in-hand.

Ruth 1:16-17 says: "Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God, Where you die, I will die, And there will I be buried, The Lord do so to me, and more also, If anything but death parts you and me."

Is this peace or denial I'm feeling?

As I mentioned back in August, when we were first told about Tristan having Trisomy 18 and being considered "incompatible with life" we were devastated, shocked, unable to even comprehend how we would go on with our every day lives knowing we would eventually lose our precious baby boy. Those first 2 weeks were so hard! All we knew to do was hold each other, cry, pray and ask the Lord to give us guidance, peace and understanding (if there was any understanding, this side of Heaven). In September, the peace did come and we started to heal as a family, we talk about Tristan all the time and long for him to be born so we can hold him and love him, for whatever time the Lord gives us, and that same excitement and fun we used to have in our home, before August 15th, is back. It's hard to believe it was 2 months and 4 days ago that we found out about Tristan having Trisomy 18. In a way it feels like yesterday and at the same time it seems so long ago that we started down this "Trisomy 18 road". As with any tragedy, I believe the first few days of devastation, shock and complete misery just linger on and on and you honestly don't think they will ever end or that you will ever feel like yourself again! Last night I told Trayc that I was a little concerned that I don't cry about Tristan anymore and that I still feel such a peace about him and I am concerned that maybe it's not peace I feel, maybe it's just my heart putting up a wall so it won't hurt so bad or maybe it has become dull and numb to the pain so I am just in a state of denial. See, for me, the normal in a hard situation would be to just let my emotions be in control and totally consume me to the point that I would dwell in the misery for a long time and just cry and cry and cry. I have a very big and soft heart which tends to make me an emotionally driven person so for me to feel this VERY REAL SENSE OF PEACE at the most difficult and tragic time in my life is unusual. In years past when Trayc and I would have problems arise we'd fix them, we'd go on and then I'd feel a peace, but now I really wonder if "peace" was the right word for those times because it was nothing like what I am feeling right now and never this profound. I have never in my life felt this, it is so real and so comforting. Sure, I know that the days are quickly approaching for Tristan to be born which also brings the realization that (barred a miracle) we will not have him for long and yet I feel such a peace about that! Wow, that is just huge for me to even acknowledge but at the same time I know the Lord is the one giving us this peace, we have asked and begged Him for peace and He is supplying it. Please pray that we, as a family, will continue to feel this peace as we approach the last 7 1/2 weeks of our pregnancy.

Romans 5:1-4 says: " Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope." And John 14:27 says, "Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives so I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Looking back

Our 11 yr. old son, Tanner, has piano lessons every other Tuesday night for an hour. Trayc and I always ride together so that we can share about our day plus it gives us time to talk without feeling guilty about not doing things around the house especially since we just moved in August and have a very long "to-do-list" that must be done before Thanksgiving, oh the pressures we put on ourselves! Due to our move the drive to piano is now 1 hr. there and 1 hr. home. Trayc
had to work late last night so I took Tanner to piano myself. On the way home, the boys were watching a Thomas the Train movie, actually the same one for the 10th time because this is all Tayden wants to watch. Every time Tayden sees Thomas he makes this "cluk, cluk" sound which is so cute, then the boys started laughing back and forth which inevitable became silly giggling that seemed unending! I was a little tired and honestly just wanted some quiet time on the 1 hr. drive home so I turned on the CD player and listened to Jim Brickman's latest piano CD called "Hope" which is absolutely peaceful. Over the peaceful music, I continued hearing the boys laughing back and forth and I started getting a little sad, tears started running down my cheeks because I had thoughts of "Tristan will never be back there with them laughing and Tayden will never understand that he had a brother, Tayden will never have a brother close in age to play with (there is a 10 year age difference between him and Tanner)". Becoming more and more overwhelmed by my present sadness, I began praying that the Lord would take this feeling away, realizing there is nothing I can do to change the 10 yr. gap. I asked the Lord to allow me to become content with the age difference and if we never have anymore children that I will be content with that too. This is very hard for me to pray because we always wanted and prayed for 4 children and right now this number seems to be drifting further and further away. I guess I became so wrapped up in praying and listening to the peaceful sounds of the music I had not realized the quietness that had FINALLY come in the backseat, so believing the boys had fallen asleep I pulled down my rear-view mirror and looked back to see Tanner sitting in the middle seat, Tayden's arms were wrapped around Tanner's arm, which was sitting up on Tayden's car seat armrest, Tayden's head was laying on Tanner's shoulder and Tanner's head was laying on top of Tayden's head. What a sight this was for me especially after what I had just been feeling!!!!! I cannot explain the difference I felt after looking back and seeing my precious boys bonding like they were. I started praying, "Thank you so much Lord for the miracles of Tanner and Tayden, as we were told by doctors we would never have, thank you for allowing this love between them, that is so uncommon with this age difference. I ask that you allow me to become content with the 2 boys we have and not long for any more than that and if you chose to bless us with more children I will embrace that and if not I will accept this as your Will for our lives". In life, I believe we all have the tendency to want more than we have, whether it be a bigger home, newer cars, more money or a better paying job which ultimately does not allow us to be content with where we are and with what we DO have. Please pray that I will continue to be content with the number of children we have and not the number we don't, that the Lord will continue to form the bond between our 2 boys regardless of the age difference, and that the Lord will show me ways that I can continue to encourage this bond between them.

Philippians 4:6-11 says: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:".

Doctor's appt.

This morning at 10:15 am we had a doctor's appt./sonogram. Tristan is growing so good! He weighs 3 lbs., he's gained a 1/2 lb. in 2 weeks, so we were very excited! His heart rate was 142 and his measurements are right where they should be. He was sleeping the whole time, the sonographer tried shaking him but he'd just move around and then go back to sleep. I'm not concerned at all because he has been moving ALL day and ALL night for the last few days so I'm sure he is very tired because I certainly am. My doctor is very impressed by Tristan's continued progress because usually as time goes on a lot of Trisomy 18 babies start slowing down. We have made it to 30 weeks and 5 days!!!! Please pray that Tristan will continue to grow and gain weight and that we will make it to our scheduled c-section date of December 12th.

My personal journal made public

I am a scrapbooker and photo fanatic, not a writer or journalist, however when I am pregnant I become a journalist and write, write, write. I started journaling when I was pregnant with Tanner because, as you read in the Sept 27th entry, we went through infertility/invitro. I was having blood work every other day to make sure my numbers were increasing. One week after finding out we were pregnant we were told that my numbers were NOT increasing and that I would most likely miscarry within the next 2 weeks - that would have been between Dec. 7th and 20th - 5 days before Christmas (Tristan is due on Dec. 20th and I have a c-section date scheduled for Dec. 12th, same time frame, I would have never imagined back 11 years ago that we would be where we are today, I guess it's good we don't know what our future holds just WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE)!!!! We were devastated, we had tried 5 years to get pregnant and now we were going to lose him, as you can see from the picture on the right, we did NOT lose Tanner and he is our 1st miracle baby, a healthy and very innocent 11 year old who loves Jesus with all his heart! Then with Tayden, because of the 10 year age difference and mere shock that we had actually got pregnant on our own and that we were 4 days from starting invitro, I journaled because I had the same fears of losing Tayden. As you can see from the picture on the right, we did not lose him either and he is our 2nd miracle baby, a healthy, very wild, crazy, silly 1 1/2 year old who does not obviously understand about Jesus yet, but he does know how to fold his hands during prayer at the table! For me, journaling was a way to express my feelings really just to myself. And now that Tanner is older it's fun to sit down with him and read my entries about him and Tayden to him, it is a reminder to our family that even through very difficult and uncertain times the Lord carried us through both pregnancies. So, when I got pregnant this time I bought a journal book and began writing so that one day I could share, with this baby, my feelings and experiences. It was fun journaling UNTIL AUGUST 15th when we found out that our precious unborn baby boy, Tristan, would be born with Trisomy 18 and was considered "incompatible with life", the hardest thing about journaling then was to know that I would never (barred a miracle) share my journal with Tristan. My feelings greatly changed about journaling that day, I now journaled because I was in shock, devastated, depressed, I didn't even know how to verbally express what I was feeling because it just overwhelmed me completely. I honestly felt like I would NEVER make it through this tragedy, this wasn't a possible miscarriage like we were told with Tanner, this was a 100% amnio test result showing our 3rd miracle baby would not live. As I began doing Internet research, I found 100's of stories on the Trisomy 18 Foundation and 100's of stories on personal blog sites about families around the world that had/were experiencing Trisomy 18. I was touched MOSTLY by their willingness to be open and share their innermost thoughts and feelings to the public. I never dreamed I would be sharing my personal journal and making it public. See, I am a very open and outgoing person until it comes to being in the spotlight alone like speaking or reading in front of people then I become a very quiet, shy person and withdrawal (except for the 18 yrs. I sang in our 300 voice choir at our mega-Baptist church or the 15+ yrs. I sang in 2 church ensembles), I can publicly sing week after week, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO SPEAK OR READ! Trayc and I were talking one night and he said, "You have such a love for people and you love to be an encourager to others, you should consider doing a blog and sharing your journal." I said, "Absolutely not, I'm not able to do that, I don't speak or write like an author of a book, I'm the Hallmark girl (the name and joke my family calls me because I never give a card without writing an entire book on the inside and because most of my encouraging words sound like a Hallmark card, ya know, it just honestly comes from my heart and is very real, it's the way I am). He said, "you don't have to write like an author or write like anyone else's blog, you just have to write from your heart and allow the Lord to use you." I said, "Yeah, but no one wants to hear my Hallmark words". He said, "You don't know that, there just might be that one person out there that relates better to you than to the deep words of someone else". I will be honest, I did consider it and became excited about the thought of helping others and started thinking maybe this is the direction the Lord wants me to take, maybe this is the ministry He wants me to start, but day after day I quickly became discouraged and felt very inadequate. Trayc asked me to pray about it before I made any kind of decision one way or the other. Okay, I did for several weeks and I have strongly felt the Lord telling me I needed to do this. So, here I am sharing my personal journal and making it public so that if there is just ONE person out there hurting because they just found out their baby has Trisomy 18, or a mother whose daughter or daughter-in-law is going through this, or maybe it's a friend who doesn't really understand this genetic disorder but wants to be there for their friend, whatever it is, I hope through sharing my innermost thoughts, my feelings, my experiences and the inevitable loss of our precious baby boy, Tristan, that the Lord will use this in a mighty way to encourage others and to glorify Him and Him alone.

2 months left

We have exactly 2 months from today until Tristan will be born. We are excited, like with any new baby you want to hold them, love them, kiss them and smell them, but at the same time it is hard to think about because right now he is safe inside my stomach, his heart rate is very strong, his measurements are good and he only has a small hole in his heart, I can protect him from harm and his genetic disorder doesn't really affect him but from the moment he is born we know this will all change. He will need to breath on his own and eat on his own and from all the research I've done I know this is difficult for Trisomy 18 babies to do. Right now, we as a family, are living one day at a time, kind of like that old gospel song "One day at a time sweet Jesus" (I remember Memaw, my grandmother, singing this song when I was young), but when Tristan is born the day-to-day will become minute-to-minute, every minute will count because it could be his last with us. Even though this is very hard to think about we have to be prepared for the reality we will soon be facing. Fortunately, we are Christians and know that the Lord has Tristan's time here on earth already planned and when the time comes for Tristan to go home we will, no matter how difficult, have to let him go with the assurance that we will see him again when the Lord calls us home! Please pray that we will continue to enjoy these next 2 months as we await Tristan's birth and that we will continue to feel a peace even though our future is uncertain.

We missed Chest of Joash

Sunday morning was the annual "Chest of Joash" service at our church and as I wrote in our blog on October 5th we are going to begin tithing again for the first time in 17 years of marriage. We were so excited about the service and couldn't wait until Sunday, however, we missed Chest of Joash. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday night I had contractions for about 5-6 hours straight, fortunately they never got closer than 10 minutes apart and then on Saturday morning Trayc became very sick with some kind of "bug" which put him in bed until Monday morning so it had been an unusually crazy 4 days and then to top it off, Trayc's truck stopped running on Friday morning and had been at the mechanic's shop all weekend. Do you see where this is going? We decided on Thursday night that we would start tithing again, then I had contractions for 4 days, then Trayc was sick on Saturday and Sunday so we missed the service on Sunday, and then on Monday we found out that Trayc's truck will cost $600 to fix. Today we wrote out our tithing check and are determined that we WILL put it in the offering plate this coming Sunday!!!!!! We refuse to let Satan put any kind of financial situation in our lives so that we will feel like we can't afford to tithe, like we have felt so many years before. Please pray that we will be strong and steadfast in our tithe to the Lord and not allow any kind of financial difficulty to get us discouraged.

We set the date - Dec 12th

This morning I spoke with the scheduling secretary at my doctor's office and we set the date for my c-section, Tristan's birthday, for December 12th at 7:30 am. I've had contractions (off and on) for the past 4 days. I realize this is normal in that this is my 3rd pregnancy and that I am 7 1/2 months along, but I just get scared when the contractions start because my first and only contraction with Tanner came 4 weeks before my due date and he was born 16 hours later. With Tayden, I had some contractions my 8th month, but not like these. Tayden, came 2 weeks before my due date and he was born 12 hours after the first set of serious contractions. We know it is so important that Tristan continue to grow and get stronger over the next few weeks. Please pray that Tristan will continue to grow, gain weight and hang on until December 12th.

Tithing for the 1st time

Trayc started attending our church when he was, well actually his mom was pregnant with him so, since he was born and I started attending our church in the 4th grade so we've grown up together in the same grade and hearing the same preaching our whole life. Our church always spends the month of September in the Book of Malachi preaching on tithing and then in October we have a special service called "The Chest of Joash" where the entire church takes turns walking down to the chest and placing their pledge (their intended tithe for the year) inside, it is an unbelievably touching service as you watch people "bring their tithe into the storehouse". But hearing the message on tithing and actually applying it are two different things! Trayc and I have were both raised in Christian homes, had the same moral values, were both saved at an early age, we lived for the Lord, we took our Bibles to school everyday, we witnessed, we went on church visitation, we didn't drink, we didn't smoke, we kept ourselves pure until our wedding night and we tithed, but the tithing stopped when we got married. Why? Well, the same reason most people don't start tithing - we didn't think we could afford to. We got married in Oct. 1990 and if you recall "Desert Storm" started in Jan. 1991 and 1000's of people were laid off their jobs, Trayc was one of them, so besides being newlyweds and trying to make it on our own for the first time, we were now living on just my income and the only thing we saw in our budget that we could stop paying was the tithe. We did not intend on stopping for good, just until we could get stable again. Well, I'm embarrassed to say that 17 years of marriage have gone by and we never started back. Every September when the tithing message was preached I knew it would become a discussion we would have on the way home from church but I kept insisting that we couldn't afford to and as the years passed by we gradually became in $30,000 debt. As of March 2007, we are completely out of debt, we have no credit cards, no car payments, we only use cash and we have been living on Trayc's income alone for 3 years. So, when the September tithing messages came this year I honestly didn't have a reason not to tithe, but to be really honest, I have also never felt so convicted about it until this year - maybe it's where we are this year and who our reliance is on - solely on the Lord. Tristan has caused us to become even closer to the Lord and certainly only relying on Him and daily seeking out His will for our lives because really nothing else in our lives has mattered since August 15th. So, tonight Trayc sweetly said (as he does about everything), "I want to talk to you about something and I want you to try and have an open mind about it" I said, "okay!" He said, "I really feel convicted about us not tithing. I feel like we have given everything in our lives to the Lord and we have already given Tristan to Him but we haven't given him our all until we trust and obey Him by tithing." I said, "I agree", he said, "you do?" I said, "yes, I have felt convicted to and I realize this is the only thing we have not turned over to the Lord". He said, "I don't believe the Lord would take Tristan away from us any sooner just because we don't tithe but I want to feel like we have nothing else to turn over to Him." We agreed that come this Sunday morning, during the Chest of Joash, we will, for the first time again in 17 years begin tithing no matter what. So, a part of me is embarrassed that it has taken me this long to become convicted about tithing, but at the same time I am so excited, excited that we will be doing what the Lord is asking us to do and that we will be doing it with a pure heart and a sweet spirit! What's really special is that we are beginning this at a time when our financial expenses regarding Tristan are very uncertain but we know the Lord will take care of us as long as we are obedient to Him. Please pray that even when finances become tight we will not falter on our commitment to the Lord. We are looking forward to sharing our tithing testimony as it develops.

Malachi 3:10 says: "Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, That there may be food in My house, And prove Me now in this, Says the Lord of hosts, If I will not open for you the windows of heaven And pour out for you such blessing That there will not be room enough to receive it."

Doctor's appt.

I had a doctor's appt./sonogram this afternoon at 2:30 pm. We couldn't wait to get there and see what Tristan's progress had been in the last 3 weeks. His heart rate was 145, he now weighs 2 lbs. 6 oz., his measurements are right where they should be and he has not developed any other "soft markers" (besides the .4 hole in his heart and his clenched hands) but the best news of all was that he opened his hand, stuck out his thumb and then closed his hand (we feel like this is a huge accomplishment because Trisomy 18 babies hands are always clenched) - we were excited. We've made it 29 weeks! We told Tanner that Tristan was saying, "I am still alive and kicking in here brother and I can't wait to see you." He just smiled. See, this has been very difficult for Tanner too, he's 11 yr. old and completely understands everything that is going on with Tristan. He loves being a BIG BROTHER to Tayden and he already had so many of his own plans for Tristan. What was extremely hard the first few weeks was trying to explain through my tears (as he would sit beside me crying) that the Lord has a reason for this, that we were going to be okay, that we were going to make it through and become stronger because of it, that we WOULD get through this together and that we just have to trust in the Lord to give us the strength when we are so sad. Have you ever tried to help your child understand a tragedy when you just feel like falling apart yourself and really aren't sure you even believe your own words? This is the first time Trayc and I have ever experienced tragedy so we are trying to get through this and help Tanner at the same time. This is difficult!!!! The one thing we have not done with Tanner is to hide our feelings and emotions because we want him to see how the Lord is working during this difficult time, how He will get us through this and how we would feel whole again and have a peace about it. The Lord IS already working in such a real and powerful way and it is so apparent, I can't explain the sweet peace and excitement we ALL feel in our home right now. We can finally talk, without crying, about Tristan just like he is a normal, healthy baby. Every time Tristan kicks I get Tanner to feel him (I home-school so he's home all day) and then he puts his head on my stomach and talks to Tristan just like he did with Tayden - now this brings tears to my eyes because I know the day will come when Tristan will will no longer be with us and these moments will become a memory for Tanner. Please pray that our family will continue to feel the sweet peace and excitement we are experiencing right now.

Friendship made over the Internet

Unfortunately in the world we live in today so many people are "fearful" of the Internet, and rightfully so, especially because of the harm it can bring to our innocent children, but I have an incredible story that shows how a godly Christian friendship has been made over the Internet! Since we found out about Tristan on August 15th we have felt like we are traveling this "Trisomy 18 road" alone, despite the outpouring of love and support we have received from our family and friends, this is such a rare genetic disorder (1 in 6000) that not many people have heard of it or experienced it. So, I have daily searched the Internet looking for information/pictures/stories, anything to help us as a family better understand and prepare for what we are facing in the upcoming months. On Sept. 24th I found a story about a Christian couple in Nashville, TN. whose daughter was born on Sept. 18th with Trisomy 18 and they were able to take her home from the hospital - that is a miracle in itself! I intently read every single entry on their blog because THEY WERE LIVING THIS RIGHT NOW. Their little girl lived 8 days and even through their loss they have continued to blog which helps me understand the feelings on the other side (the loss of a baby). In the midst of reading their blog, I was linked to another blog of a Christian couple in Memphis, TN. whose daughter, Poppy Joy, has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, and she is due on December 19th (the day before me!). As I intently read every single entry on their blog I came across an entry titled "Papa", I thought, that man certainly looks like Adrian Rodgers, but I thought, surely it couldn't be, infact it was! The girl blogging is the granddaughter of the late Adrian Rodgers and if you knew him then you know he was an incredible man of God, I used to love to hear him preach when he came to our church for our Annual Pastors Conference. Anyway, I was so touched and moved by their story that I emailed her (Angie) on Saturday and received a sweet email back yesterday. I truly believe the Lord led me to the first couple's blog so that I would find Angie's blog and we could, through this very difficult time in both of our lives, become Internet friends. I am looking forward to the friendship we will share together on this "Trisomy 18 road". After you have read this entry, please click on the blog site name labeled "Poppy Joy Luce" to read their story. It is very touching and just another example of the Lord being praised and glorified in difficult times. Also, please pray for The Luce family as they await the birth of their precious daughter on December 19th and pray that the Lord will continue to grow this newfound friendship.

Today I'm 40 and pregnant!!!!

I cannot believe that I am actually 40 today, where have the years gone? Oh, that sounds like something my grandmother would say, I must be getting old! As you read in my blog on Sept. 22, Trayc gave me a surprise birthday party and we were all standing around saying we couldn't believe we were all 40 or getting close to it (a lot of us have know each other since elementary school), then someone said, "hey, you're 40 and pregnant" - we all laughed! That does sound crazy doesn't it? We were saying our grandmothers and mothers were so much younger than us when they had children, I guess it was just a different generation back then. You know, honestly, I would have never expected to be 40 and pregnant. Trayc and I dated for 3 years and got married at 23. When we were dating we would have phone conversations lasting 5-6 hours on a Friday night and plan out our future. We would start a family the second year we were married, have 4 children (2 boys, 2 girls), they would be 2 years apart, we would have 2 golden retrievers, 2 new cars and a two-story house - okay, now looking back that is just so funny!!! See, we presently have 2 boys, who are 10 years apart, another boy on the way, 1 Shitzu, 2 cars (that used to be new!) and we JUST moved into a two-story house. Of course, these were our plans, not the Lord's, but you know, when your young and growing up under your parents, very nieve and fortunate to have had a pretty close to perfect life and perfect family, no real problems and certainly no tragedies, it all just seemed natural to PLAN out our marriage and future life together and believe it would just go all according to our plans. Having children has not come easy for us, it had become just an emotional roller coaster for years. We tried 5 yrs to get pregnant with our first son, Tanner, and after 9 doctors, 1 infertility specialist and $10,000 we, through in-vitro, had him in 1996, then, 10 years later, we were 4 days and $14,000 from in-vitro, when we found out we were pregnant, this time on our own! Our second son, Tayden, is now 1 1/2 yr old. We thought, "finally we're getting pregnant without infertility drugs so let's try again because we're obviously not getting younger" and we got pregnant the weekend of Tayden's 1st birthday. We were excited for so many reasons, this was our 3rd miracle baby, the 2nd one without any infertility drugs and finally Tayden would have a brother/sister close in age. We have learned so much over the past 17 years of marriage, we must live for Jesus every day, take one day at a time, rely on Him solely and remember that He has the plan for our lives and this includes Tristan being born with Trisomy18.

My silver charm is priceless

My 40th birthday is on Thursday so my sister, my 7 yr. old niece and 5 yr. old nephew came over this afternoon at 3:00 pm to bring me my birthday gifts because they knew I would be spending all day Thursday with Trayc and the boys. They gave me several very nice gifts, but the most UNBELIEVABLE gift, which was also the least expensive, was a silver heart charm that said "Tristan". I couldn't believe it, I fought back the tears because I didn't want my niece and nephew to wonder why I was crying about their gift (they were just bursting at the seam when they walked in and I couldn't open the little box fast enough)! First of all, the name Tristan is so unusual, after all that's why we picked it, just like with Tanner and Tayden, but second, can you imagine the impact it had on me? I mean, if Tristan was going to be just a normal baby I would have still loved the charm and worn it proudly, but our precious baby will be born with Trisomy 18, his future uncertain and his days will be far less than we would chose, so to have a charm with his name on it that I can wear around my neck, and I promise it will be worn all the time even if it doesn't go with the outfit I'm wearing, because this is the name that has changed our family's life completely and the name that we will never forget, therefore you can't even begin to put a price tag on a gift like that, it is priceless!!!!

Surprise!

Trayc, my sweet and romantic husband, told me earlier this week that he wanted "just the two" of us to to out for a nice dinner this weekend because between finding out about Tristan and then moving we've had NO alone time. I reluctantly agreed, oh not because I didn't want to go, it's just that my greatest comfort these past few weeks has come from my 2 little boys. I just cling to them because they make me feel like a mommy and I know that I will not (long-term) ever feel like that with Tristan so I'm sure it's because I am partly already feeling the loss of him and I'm trying to fill it with the boys, so I was scared to be away from them! We dropped them off at my sister's house and went to dinner at a very romantic restaurant and sat at a table for two that overlooked the beach and listened to a live musician - it was the perfect night. We had a wonderful time and I really enjoyed the peace and quiet and the time alone, but I have to admit that when we got back in the car I was feeling the emptiness all over again - I think the silence scares me right now, where as at any other time in my life I would have LOVED the silence and loved to have felt like a wife again without trying to put in the car DVD, cut the food, pick up the bottle off the floor, keep Tayden from interrupting other tables, but right now we're in a different place. Anyway, we pulled up at my sister's house, I quickly walked in to get the boys and all of a sudden several couples jumped out and said, "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" I was surprised all right, I thought, "who did this, my sister?" She came up and whispered, "Your husband did this for you, happy birthday sister". I just looked at him and smiled. He said, "if you look around you'll notice that I could have invited a lot of our friends but I didn't, I invited the ones that have SPECIFICALLY impacted our lives since August 15th." He was right, they were not friends/relationships we've had for years and years, some of the friends were actually relationships that have just been formed, but they were ALL people who have constantly called, emailed, written cards and/or prayed daily for us since August 15th. I felt so special and very loved tonight, the Lord has sent some special people into our lives to help us through this time in our lives! After the party Trayc told me that he had been watching me over the past few weeks to see if I would be able to handle a party and because he felt like I had come so far in such a short period of time he wanted to do something really special for me and show me how much I was loved by them and by him. I am so thankful for Trayc, for the 17 years of marriage we have shared, for the love we have for each other and for our family, for every problem we have overcome that has brought us to where we are today - we are more in love today than we were on our wedding day, not many couples can say that, so I am proud to be one of the few!

The necessary planning

This morning Trayc and my Dad are going to meet with the cemetery and funeral home personnel. This is obviously not something any parent ever wants or even expects to do for their unborn baby. Usually this time is spent decorating the nursery, planning for the day of his birth, having baby showers and buying all the cute baby stuff, however, that is not what we are doing. The necessary planning, no matter how difficult, must be done and we just want to have everything taken care of so that we can spend from now until December excited about Tristan being born and not worry about anything else. And then when Tristan is born we want every moment he is alive to be spent holding him and loving him, NOT out running around making plans. Right after we found out about Tristan I told Trayc that I just couldn't bring myself to go with him to the cemetery and funeral home because it would just be very hard to do this when Tristan is still kicking and VERY MUCH ALIVE inside of me. Of course, Trayc completely understood and said he didn't want me to, he felt it was his place as Tristan's dad to do this part. Trayc asked my dad to go with him for emotional support so that he wouldn't be alone. Please pray for Trayc and my dad today, that the Lord will wrap His loving arms around them and give them comfort when it is needed.

My Mother-in-law talked to who?

Trayc's mom and grandma live in Tennessee so he has been talking to them weekly about Tristan. His mom has wanted to talk to me about everything we know up to this point about Tristan and how I was doing emotionally but said she also wanted to give me some time. Trayc told her this past weekend that I was now able to talk, without just breaking down, so she called last night and we talked from 10:00 pm to 12:00 midnight. During our conversation she was telling me about all the people she had told our story to, people she knew and people she didn't (she said she'd tell anyone if they'd stop and listen), she said she wanted as many people as possible all over the world to be praying for us. Then she told me that she sent an email to the Focus on the Family organization (she sends all the grandchildren yearly magazine subscriptions from there) telling them our story and asking them to have special prayer for us. Apparently the way it works there is that you send in a prayer request via email, then it is printed out and placed on a table in their prayer room and the staff of Focus on the Family prays daily for the requests on the table. However, someone on staff pulled out my mother-in-law's email and read it and felt like they needed to take it to Jim Daly, CEO/President of Focus on the Family. The next day my mother-in-law received a phone call from Jim Daly. After she got over the shock that he (the CEO/President) was calling, she explained in more detail about Tristan and the story of our marriage. They had special prayer for Tristan and she said it was the sweetest prayer she had ever heard. I am certainly not about big names/titles that people hold, I know that everyones prayers are just as important to the Lord, but I think it is so incredible that Tristan's story(here in St. Augustine, FL) through my mother-in-law (in Tennessee), has made it all the way to the Focus on the Family organization and that they are praying for us! To my Mother-in-law, thank you for loving your unborn grandson so much that you are telling everyone his story and that you are praying for him and us daily, and to Grandma, thank you for praying daily for us and for your unborn great-grandson. We love you both very much and can't wait to see you in December!

Doctor's appt.

This morning at 11:15 am we had a doctor's appt. and sonogram. This was the first sonogram we'd had since we found out about Tristan, at the "high-risk" doctors office, exactly 4 weeks ago so we were very anxious to see him, but also a little scared, because we have been told that Trisomy 18 babies usually start developing problems as time goes on. We knew what we were looking for today: a heart rate of around 150, see if the spot on his head was still there, see if he had developed rocker bottom feet or cleft palate yet, see if he was gaining weight and see if his measurements are consistent with his birth time line? We were very excited - - his heart rate was 144, the spot on his head was gone, no rocker bottom feet, no cleft palate, he weighs 2 lbs and his measurements are consistent with his birth time line!!!! What an answer to prayer. We have made it 26 weeks. Please pray that Tristan will continue to grow and progress until we see him again on October 4th.

$100 balance

Do you remember back on August 30th when we went to our doctor's appt. and asked the doctor if there was any way possible that they could work with us regarding paying the remaining $2,500 we were to pay by Sept. 27th, in that we were self-pay and now being faced with incurring additional expenses like hospice, NICU, cemetery, funeral home, etc? Well, in this afternoon's mail we received the bill from the doctor's office and written in black pen and then highlighted in yellow it said $100 balance, yes, I said, $100 balance. We could not believe our eyes! Since we found out about Tristan being Trisomy 18 on August 15th, we have been going every 2 weeks for sonograms and will continue to go that often until my c-section in December, therefore we would have actually incurred MORE than the normal bill of $5,000. Now do you see the blessing? It seems in our world today that everyone is after the money that "is due them", trust me we know this first hand from the 7 yrs. of debt. we finally got out of, and no one is willing to give you a financial break because of anything you might be going through, but we FINALLY received the break today and it was on behalf of our precious unborn baby - the Lord used my doctor's office to bless us in the most unusual way!

"Thank You", To my family

I would like to say a special "thank you" to everyone in my family for the support and encouragement you have showed us these past 3 weeks. This outpouring of love is not an unusual thing for our family, after all this is how I was raised, however, because Trayc and I have never been through a tragedy we value this support and encouragement much more today! As you all know, the emotions have run high since we found about Tristan and I knew without a doubt that, at any time (day or night), I could call any one of you and you'd be there to listen to me, comfort me or just cry with me.

• To my Memaw & Grandaddy, thank you for calling me 3x's a day to tell me that you loved me and to say "just lean on Jesus honey, He will give you the strength when you don't have any".

• To my Mom & Step-dad, thank you for telling me I WOULD make it (every single hour, on the hour, that I would call and just cry).

• To my Dad & Step-mom, thank you for consistently calling me week after week to tell me that you loved me, that you are there if we need anything, for the sweet cards, and for dad making plans on going this month with Trayc to help him make the necessary funeral arrangements ahead of time.

• To my sister (best friend & confidant), thank you for talking to me all day long (every day), for listening to me cry all day (every day) and for being my strength when I just couldn't find any, I could NOT have made it thus far without you - I love you more than I can ever say.

• To my step-sister, thank you for all of your calls, for helping me understand what is going on from a medical standpoint(glad we have a nurse in the family), for crying with me, for telling me you all get down on your knees every night as a family and pray for us by name and for the sweet card - I miss you and wish you were here.

99 Balloons - it changed my outlook

Our 11 yr. old son, Tanner, takes piano from my mom's cousin so she obviously knew about Tristan having Trisomy 18. Two weeks ago she told me that she went out-of-town with a group of ladies from her church to a Beth Moore Conference. She said that she was sitting in the van and this lady was crocheting a baby dress and the lady said it was for her granddaughter who is due in October that has Trisomy 18! My mom's cousin immediately told her that we had just found out that our son has Trisomy 18 and that we were devastated. The lady said, "please tell her to go on the Internet to a website called 99 balloons because it really changed my daughter-in-law's outlook". I told my Aunt that I would, but with everything we have been emotionally going through it actually took me a week to remember the conversation and then until today to look at the website. Let me stop here, until now I have really just dwelt on the fact that Tristan would die, that he is - as medical science says - "incompatible with life" and I had really just given up on the hope that he would live, until I watched the video on the 99 balloons website! I can't even begin to tell you the impact it had on me, all of a sudden, in living color I saw this precious baby boy named Eliott, who looked normal and whose parents poured out their love to him every day, celebrated his birthday every day by doing something totally different and did the normal every day things with him, basically living every day not dwelling on the fact that he was considered "incompatible with life" and would eventually pass away - WOW, has my outlook changed. I started thinking, this could be Tristan, he could LIVE, he could live 99 days if the Lord chooses, or he could be the one who lives 100 days or 1 year. Of course, only the Lord knows how much time we will have with Tristan but I know that from here on I will not think about him dying but I will long for him to be born and pray that I will celebrate his life every day, no matter how long or how short, and will not be afraid to hold back my heart for fear of being hurt! After you read this entry please click on the link to "99 balloons" which is right under our family picture, it will help you better understand what we are facing in the days ahead and I promise it will be the greatest 6 minutes you have spent today because it shows in living color that miracles do happen and that we serve a great God!

A Bible verse I've heard a thousand times

Today was our first Sunday back to Sunday School and church since we found out about Tristan on August 15th, so we've been out 4 weeks. I was really afraid to go back today because I didn't know if my emotions would just completely take over as I walked through the nursery to take Tayden, our 1 1/2 yr. old, to his class, or if I talked to people along the way because I didn't honestly know how many people would know yet. I did really good walking through the nursery making sure I didn't look into the 1st class (that's where the new babies that are 6 weeks old go which unfortunately would never be Tristan's class) and then I made it to my S.S. class without running into anyone - I did so good. Until our teacher starts teaching, of all verses and of all mornings, he starts reading Psalm 139:13-16. All of a sudden I began crying, the tears just would not stop and at that point I thought, great - I knew I shouldn't have come, I should have just stayed home, it's just too soon to come back, but then I felt like the Lord placed His hands on me and I began to calm down and intently listened. I've been in church 3x's a week, my entire life, I've heard those verses a thousand times, it was even underlined in my Bible, but it has never meant what it did today. As the verses say, the Lord (He himself, not medical science) formed Tristan's inward parts and He covered Tristan in my womb! That is confirmation to me that the Lord knew before Tristan was conceived that he would have Trisomy 18, so how could I ever believe, like the "high-risk" doctors told me on August 15th, that this was just a FLUKE that happens at conception. Our precious unborn son, was not a fluke no matter what genetic disorder is, no matter what he might look like, no matter what his problems will be at birth, he is and will always be our family's 3rd miracle from the Lord because He formed Tristan and He has chosen us to be the parents Tristan needs!

Doctor's appt.

This morning at 10:00 am was our doctor's appt. back with our regular doctor, this is the 1st time we have seen him since we received the Trisomy 18 results from the "high-risk" doctors on August 15th. We heard Tristan's heart beat and it was still going strong at 150. We had so many questions for the doctor regarding Tristan's birth, delivery, life-saving decisions and where we needed to go from here. He said he would like us to continue seeing him every 2-3 weeks to have sonograms so that we can continue to watch Tristan's growth process. I believe it will help dull the pain we are so caught up in right now if we can actually see Tristan growing and moving and kicking just like he's a normal baby. Our last question and concern to the doctor was, because we do not have medical insurance, we are self-pay and have only paid half of the $5,000 that is due to the doctor's office for their services, which has to be paid by Sept. 27th, is there any way they can give us a little more time to pay it? Because of Tristan's condition we are now faced with the expenses we will incur between the hospital delivery, neonatal expenses, hospice, funeral home, cemetery plot, etc. therefore we are beginning to feel financially overwhelmed. As I had written back on August 15th, we have spent the last 7 years getting completely out of debt and living on a "cash-only" basis, so the idea of bills/debts piling up again really scares both of us. Our doctor was very sweet and said, "don't worry about it, we'll figure something out, you just take care of the necessary plans for your baby". Please pray that Tristan will continue to grow and develop, that the doctor's office will be willing to work with us on the remaining balance of our bill and that we will not be overwhelmed by everything we are facing financially.

Our new home

Today is filled with mixed emotions, we are so excited and at the same time, still very sad. We closed on our new home this morning, something we've been waiting for since last year, and we started moving in. What has really made it hard is that we did NOT expect to be moving in without setting up Tristan's nursery. We already had his bedroom and room decor picked out so we have had to make some last minute room adjustments. We now have Tayden in what was going to be Tristan's room, Tanner in what was going to be Tayden's room and the bedroom downstairs, which was going to be Tanner's, is now a den/playroom. We didn't want ANY empty rooms which would represent the loss/absence of Tristan in the future. We left all the baby furniture, bassinet, toys, clothes, etc. at my grandparent's house until we are able to emotionally make any kind of decisions about them. This might all seem as though we have given up on Tristan or that we do not believe the Lord may chose to heal him, let me assure you that is not the case, we have not given up hope, yet at the same time we feel as though we need to prepare for what we know from the amnio results. We are really hoping that Trayc will have to go get the bassinet and baby clothes because that would mean we are bringing Tristan home from the hospital - what a miracle that would be! Trayc has taken off work for the next 10 days so that we can move in, get unpacked, decorate and get settled in. His time off was planned well before we knew about Tristan having Trisomy 18, so his time off has changed somewhat, we are no longer on the "10 day crunch, have to work day and night to get the priority list done" as we were originally planning on. Oh sure, we're going to get things done but we really need this time for us as a family to be together, so that we can share our thoughts, cry our tears, talk about our fears and try to start healing. Please pray that we will ALLOW ourselves to be excited about our new home, that the next 10 days we will grow closer to each other, that we will begin healing from the pain we are feeling and that we will draw closer to the Lord.

It is FULL Trisomy 18

The nurse from the "high-risk" doctor's office called Trayc at 12:00 noon and said that she had just received the official report from the lab regarding Tristan. She said that it is FULL Trisomy 18, which means it affects every one of his little cells. We are really no more devastated today than we were on August 15th. Trayc was holding out hope that it would be mosaic and that we could possibly have Tristan with us for several years or maybe well into his 20's but there was just something inside of me saying it was full Trisomy 18 or maybe it was my head preparing my heart ahead of time so that the news wouldn't be any harder to accept than it was originally. Although Trayc and I do not know why this is happening, we do know that the Lord is in control, that there is a reason for this being full trisomy and not mosaic and that we will love Tristan every minute we have him with us whether it be one day or one year.

7 days of suffering

The past 7 days have been so difficult as our hearts are deeply saddened by knowing that our precious baby boy's life will not be all we had hoped it to be. I think when you find out you're pregnant it's natural to start thinking about who will they look like? what color will their hair be? (always my mom's first question after any of her grandchildren are born - she has natural bright red hair, so all she wants is red-headed grandchildren!), what will their personality be like?, what will they grow up to become? and yet we are not able to think like this anymore! Our thoughts have shifted greatly to, will he be the 50% that DOES make it to full-term? will he survive the delivery? will he be born alive? will he live a day, a week, a month or will he be in the less than 10% that actually DOES live to see his first birthday? what life-saving measures do we want to use if he's born alive? and the hardest of all - how do we plan the funeral of our unborn baby who is still very much alive and who kicks all the time? There are no words that anyone can say to take this pain away, however, the love, support and encouragement we have received over the past 7 days has been incredible. I know we all get so busy in our hectic lives with home, jobs, kids and extra-curricular activities, but I can tell you that we appreciate, more than I can say, the people who have STOPPED and made the phone calls, send the emails and written the cards. There have been several days that all I have been able to do is get from the bed to the couch and just sit and cry, then Trayc will bring me the mail and there's a card! This is what we have needed this past week more than anything, just love, support and encouragement from family and friends. Please continue to pray for us during this time of suffering.

Job 2:13 says: "Then Job's friends sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was."

The friend who called

The past few days have been so hard on all of us and my emotions are just up and down. The people who know me well know that I am a happy, upbeat, outgoing girl who loves the Lord, who loves her family and loves to live life to it's fullest! However, I do not feel like that anymore. Honestly, I am so caught up in my emotions that I don't feel like I have the strength to get through this and I'm scared, scared of what the future now holds for our baby boy and for our family. I've been fortunate enough to never have any kind of tragedy in my life and only the loss of my grandfather in 1993 (which is still very hard for me to accept), so how will I ever survive the loss of our baby? Will I ever laugh and smile again? Will I always be this lonely and down? Will this just tear me apart completely? and Will the wonderful life I had before August 15th ever return? I felt like this until the phone rang and a sweet girl from our church called at 4:00 pm. What's neat is that she wasn't a real close friend or even someone I've ever gone out and done things with, she is just a sweet girl, our families have known each other for years, our moms are good friends, my mom was there for her during her pregnancy and birth of her daughter. She and her husband have a little girl with Down Syndrome and although the prognosis/outcome of Trisomy 21 is certainly different than that of Trisomy 18, their little girl had a lot more problems than just Downs which caused them to be in the same place that we are in right now, both emotionally and in the planning of her funeral because they did not expect her to live. However, she did live and she is just adorable! What a miracle baby they have and the Lord is continuing to bless them in so many ways including helping couples like us! Back to my telephone conversation with her, she said that she didn't want to impose but that if I ever needed to talk she could certainly relate. I said, "actually, I have been sitting here on the couch crying all day and counting the hours until Trayc comes home at 5:00 pm so I'd love to talk." Our conversation lasted for 1 1/2 hours. I explained that I had loved being pregnant, watching my stomach grow, buying and wearing maternity clothes and feeling our baby kick - UNTIL NOW, I don't want to be pregnant and watch my stomach grow, I don't want to feel him kick, I don't want to wear maternity clothes because it is all a reminder of what is to come, the loss of our baby boy, and I'm scared! She said that these were all very normal feelings, that I will make it through this, that I will love life again and that as times goes by I would start feeling normal again, that I would have the strength to go on and that this would not just tear me apart completely to the point that I am not that same girl I was before August 15th. I don't know, there was just something about talking to her that was more comforting than I can even describe. I didn't feel like I was crazy for feeling these things. After we talked I got dressed and when Trayc walked in the door I said, "hey, let's go out to eat!" He said, "okay, are you sure?" I said, "yes", he said, "who did you talk to that made you feel like this?" and I told him about the phone call. Amazing isn't it how the Lord uses people in our lives, and not just the friends we are the closest to, to help us feel like we are not alone and that can comfort us right where we are! Please pray that I will begin to feel like myself again, that I will regain the strength I have always had and not just continue to wallow in my sorrow because even though Tristan's future is uncertain, what is certain is that I am still a wife (to a wonderful husband), a mom to 2 other precious boys, a home-school teacher to Tanner, Tanner's chauffeur to/from soccer and piano, a S.S. class member and a faithful church member. Therefore, I know my life and my responsibilities have to go on.

Wild and silly but just what we need!

The past 4 days have been extremely hard for our family! The shock and realization that Tristan's genetic disorder is considered "incompatible with life" is just overwhelming us. We knew with me being almost 40 yrs old that there was a chance of having a baby with a genetic disorder like Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome) but Trayc and I had agreed that we would be okay with that because that would mean that the Lord chose us to have a special-needs child, however, we did not know about Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome). Would we have still tried? Absolutely! We have never been the ones in control of our children's health so why would this be any different? We have all longed for Tristan since April and now we are grieving because of the inevitable loss we will be facing in the near future. We had all been sitting on the couch talking and crying and then we went to the kitchen to eat dinner. After we prayed, Tayden, our 1 1/2 yr. old, pulls his shirt over his head so that it is resting behind his head and on his shoulders, then he puts his rubber spoon in his mouth and starts flipping it so that it's hitting his forehead and then he puts both feet on the table and starts laughing. Okay, this is not the typical dinner at our house, he has honestly never done this. Infact, we would have never, ever accepted this kind of behavior when our 11 yr. old was that age because we were so strict on everything and that included table manners. I said, "oh, if Grammy(my mom) could see you now!" we all kind of smiled, and then Tanner, our 11 yr. old, said, "You know what mommy, maybe the reason the Lord waited 10 years to send us Tayden is because He knew we'd all need him right now because he's just so wild and silly!" I said, "Maybe you're right Tanner, maybe Tayden will (without even knowing it) be the one who helps us heal during this difficult time and maybe he will keep us laughing when we really don't want to."

The confirmation

This morning at 11:30 am the nurse from the "high-risk" doctor's office called Trayc and confirmed that the amnio test showed that Tristan DOES have Trisomy 18. We do not know if it is "full" (in every cell and incompatible with life), "mosaic"(in some cells, able to live up to 20 yrs old" or "translocation" (hereditary in every pregnancy hereafter) and although we will not know which it is until Thursday, we know what we need to, it is Trisomy 18. We are still in shock, have had very little sleep since Wednesday and are feeling emotionally drained and overwhelmed. We are still at a loss for words, so please just keep us in your prayers!

The day we feared the most

This morning at 8:15 am was my appt. with the "high-risk" doctors. As mentioned earlier, this was supposed to be a normal heart echo sonogram, however, now with the concern from my doctor and us, of Trisomy 18, the heart echo really didn't matter at that point - we had so much more to be concerned with! This time we left the boys with my parents because we did not know what to expect, good news or bad news. As I was laying on the table with the sonogram wand on my stomach I was praying, and literally begging the Lord, to allow the blood test to be wrong so that our little boy would live. As the sonographer was doing the sonogram she said everything looked really good. I said, "Does the file say we are here because there is a 1 in 10 chance that our baby has Trisomy 18?" She checked the file and said, "oh, okay". She kept doing the sonogram and then said, "to be honest, everything is measuring correctly, my only concern is that his hands are clenched (normal babies hands can be closed, however, after having a 1 hour sonogram he should have opened and closed his hands several times). I just started crying, I knew, we have done extensive research online regarding Trisomy 18 and that one factor alone, clenched hands, means Trisomy 18. The sonographer stepped out to get the doctor and when he returned he said, "okay, let's look at the hands which seem to be a concern", he said, "yes, unfortunately it does look like they are clenched", then he looked at his heart and said, "there is a very small, actually only a .4 hole in his heart, which could very easily close up prior to birth and if not, it is certainly repairable with heart surgery". He advised that we do an amnio test right then to confirm 100% that our baby had Trisomy 18. I said, "absolutely not", and then Trayc asked that we be alone for a few minutes. We talked and cried and Trayc said he knows that we have always denied amnio's because of the risk of miscarriage and because no matter the results we would never terminate our pregnancy, but at the same time we HAD TO KNOW FOR SURE what we are facing in the upcoming months. So, I agreed and the amino was done. We left the doctor's office in mere silence not knowing what to say, only to hold hands and cry. Have you ever felt so devastated and overwhelmed with emotion that the world seemed to be crashing down upon you and you just couldn't stop it? This is how I feel! I knew, laying on the table, that my life would never be the same after today and I was so scared! Sure, we've had marital and financial problems over the past 17 years of our marriage, but who hasn't?, however, both of those are basically self-inflicted: WE made the choice to let sin enter our marriage and WE made the choices to spend money outside our means, but these kind of issues are fixable - Trayc and I have lived on the mountain top for 5 years, we are more in-love today than we've ever been, we've lived everyday like it's our last, and we have managed over the past 7 years with the Lords help to get ourselves out of over $30,000 debt., but this is different, WE did not chose this, this was not a result of sin in our lives or overspending. The hardest part is that this(barring a miracle) is not fixable, and it is the most precious possession(besides our other 2 boys) we have, our unborn baby boy. Please be praying for us as the news of our unborn son, Tristan, sets in and becomes a reality for us. As we have read online, we have so much ahead of us, all of which is so unpredictable by medical science but fortunately we are not relying on medical science to get us through this, we are relying ONLY on the Lord and His will for our family no matter what that might be.

Willing to obey God even in the tough times

This morning we emotionally struggled to make it to Sunday School and church. Although we do not know for sure if Tristan has Trisomy 18 or some other kind of genetic disorder, we do have reason from our doctor to be concerned, so our hearts are just broken. All I really wanted to do this morning was stay in bed and cry, but I knew that no matter how much I was hurting I needed to get up and go, after all, maybe the Lord had something we needed to hear today. You won't believe what our Sunday School lesson was on - Genesis 22:1-18, the story of Abraham and Isaac. God went to Abraham and asked him to sacrifice his only son on an altar. Abraham made all of the necessary preparations, took Isaac to the altar and bound him, but God stopped him and provided the ram as a substitute. The point here is, Abraham did what God asked him to, he obeyed God. Although we do not have a choice like Abraham did, we do have a choice in our obedience to God. We can either chose to willingly give Tristan to God or we can choose to fight Him, be resentful towards Him, and live in anger towards God for the rest of our lives. Like Abraham, we want to give Tristan willingly to God, we want to trust in His love and in His plan, even though we do not understand why this is happening. Abraham's trust, his faith and his obedience in God was so great! He was willing to obey God even in the tough times and even when the future was uncertain. This is exactly where we are today. We don't know what the sonogram will show on August 15th, but we do know that we will trust in God through it all. Please pray that we will have the obedience, the strength and the love for God like Abraham had. Then, verse 16-17 says: "... because you have done this thing, and have not withheld your son, in blessing I will bless you, and in multiplying I will multiply your descendants ..."

The doctor called

At 8:30 am this morning my doctor's office called and the nurse said, "Mrs. Hostetter, we've been trying to get a hold of you for 4 days, the doctor would like to speak with you". I knew something was wrong. I mean, how often does your doctor stop and personally call you. My doctor said that he had received the quad-screen results back and that there was some concern. My ratio was 1 in 10 chances that our baby had Trisomy 18. I said, "What is Trisomy 18?" He said, "basically it means your baby would be "incompatible with life", I said, "as in die?" He said, "unfortunately yes, the statistics are that only 50% make it to delivery alive and the babies that do make it usually live somewhere between a few hours up to 4 months, but there is a 10% chance that he could live to see his first birthday". He said, "I will be honest though, because you just had a very thorough, high-tech, sonogram and it showed no signs of anything, I am wondering if this is just a false-positive test, which can very easily happen with a maternal blood test". He said he wanted me to keep the appt. that I already have scheduled with the high-risk doctors for August 15th (this is just supposed to be a heart echo sonogram) and to call him after the appt. I was absolutely devastated to say the least. I was trying to comprehend Trisomy 18, which I've never even heard of, trying to figure out how in the world will I go on living my day-to-day life knowing our baby will die, I've never been through a tragedy. I called Trayc and was just hysterical! He immediately called the doctor back and had him explain everything to him just to make sure I wasn't just hearing the "worst case scenario". I wasn't, the doctor confirmed everything I had said. Our day has been filled with making phone calls to all of our family and closest friends. I will be honest, right now, Trayc and I are in shock, we are devastated and truly at a loss for words, we can't even begin to understand how we are going to get through the next 4 months and how we are to say goodbye to our unborn son, our 3rd miracle baby! We will be doing research online tonight to find out exactly what Trisomy 18 is so that we know what to expect in the upcoming months! Please pray for us during this very difficult and uncertain time.

6th doctor's appt.

Today was my 6th doctor's appt. at 10:45 am. We got to hear Tristan's heart beat today and it is still 150. We are so excited, we have made it to week 19!

Tristan Asher is the name

We have been going back and forth since our doctor's appt. on Wednesday trying to decide on the name for our 3rd boy. We were sitting at the dinner table tonight and Tanner said, "well mommy, what name sounds better if you're yelling it across the soccer field and what name looks cooler on the back of a soccer jersey?" (This coming from our 11 year old who has played soccer since he was 4, now you understand!) We laughed and said, "good point", so we started yelling, "Tristan!" and then "Tripp!". We kept doing this over and over and then Trayc said, "we should save the name Tripp for the 4th boy you know we'll have, because it will definitely be a trip if we have a 4th boy", I said, "okay, that's just not funny!". See, I come from a girly kind of family, I have a sister (who has 1 girl), a step-sister(who has 3 girls), a sister-in-law(who has 2 girls) and I have mostly girl cousins, so I knew NOTHING, I mean NOTHING about boys. Tanner, our 11 year old, has had to teach me how to get down in the floor and play with cars, trucks, trains, etc. I just want to go to my little girl's ballet recital and play with dolls for once, but ya know, the Lord has a reason for us to keep having boys. Trayc said to look at it like this, "the Lord knew that we needed more godly Christian men in this world we live in today so maybe that's what we are doing, raising godly Christian boys to become godly Christian men to live for Him, serve Him and make an impact in this world". Okay that actually sounds very rewarding to me! I will definitely start looking at having ALL boys very differently. Oh sure, I will still long to do the pink thing, play with baby dolls, have tea parties, etc. but maybe that's not the Lord's will for us. I don't know, I just know that I am trusting in His will not mine. And, if I don't have a little girl then I'll just have to spoil my precious nieces, since I have so many! There is a song sung by the Gaither Vocal Band that comes to mind: "Men full of compassion, who laugh and love and cry, men who'll face eternity and not afraid to die, men who'll fight for freedom, in honor once again, WE JUST NEED A FEW GOOD MEN". My prayer today is that I will be the godly Christian mother who raises Christian boys that will one day grow up and become Christian men who love Jesus with all of their heart and that will make an impact for Him in this world.

5th doctor's appt. - IT'S A BOY!

Today was my 5th doctor's appt. at 8:30 am but it was my 1st appt. at a group of "high-risk" doctors. I went to them because they have the high-tech sonogram machine that shows the baby's every detail and because I will be 40 years old when I deliver in December. He looked perfect, they said that all the measurements where right where they should be. Yes, I said he, it's another boy, WOW, we were actually very shocked. Because I was very sick from week 6-12 we just knew this was a girl, I mean I feel so different than I did with Tanner and Tayden. We took the boys with us to the appt. so when they said it was a boy we all just starred at each other in shock and Trayc asked the doctor, "are you absolutely positive it's a boy because we are moving soon and we want to make sure we buy the right color of paint for the nursery!", he assured us that it was a boy. We walked out of the doctor's office just laughing and saying, "okay, well, we need to figure out a boy's name because until we do, he doesn't have a name". See, we had a girl's name picked out, and had previously gone to Babies R' Us and picked out all the stuff we were going to go back and buy TONIGHT - it was all pink, pink, pink!!!! Instead, we all went to the Barnes and Noble Bookstore and sat at a back table (with at least 20 baby names books) trying to decide on a name, of course, it had to begin with a "T" so it did help narrow down the search just a little. After 2 hours we have come up with 2 possible names: Tripp Austin and Tristan Asher. We will let you know what we decide.

4th doctor's appt.

Today was my 4th doctor's appt. at 2:00 pm. We have made it to 15 weeks and we are so excited! We got to hear the heart beat today and it is still at 150 which is very strong. They like it to be between 120-160 and he has stayed at 150 since the beginning. I have continued to have more of a peace about our pregnancy.

3rd doctor's appt.

Today I had my 3rd doctor's appt. at 10:15 am. I was very nervous on the way to the doctor but in the past 4 weeks I have really tried to trust in the Lord and not worry about our baby. We got to hear the heart beat and it was strong, 150, so I felt so much better! We are 11 weeks tomorrow and 1 week from the normal miscarriage point. Just like the past few weeks, I must continue to trust in the Lord and know that He is in control.

2nd doctor's appt.

Today was my 2nd doctor's appt. at 10:00 am. The nurse said that all the numbers were perfect and then we had our first sonogram, we got to see our precious baby and see the heart beating. I feel so much better now - we've made it to 7 weeks! To be honest, I have really spent a lot of time worrying since our last doctor's appt. and not for any other reason than just being afraid I would miscarry, which is most common prior to week 12. I know that this pregnancy, just like Tanner and Tayden, was given to us by the Lord, that He is in control of our baby's life and that I MUST learn to trust in Him completely even when it's hard.