Every year, since Tanner was born, we have gone to the pumpkin patch at a church down the street from our old house. The church is still very special to me because I attended there from the time I was born until I was in 4th grade. Because we moved in August, and now live 45 minutes from that church/pumpkin patch, we were going to find a pumpkin patch closer to our new home but Tanner insisted that we go back to the other one because that's where we had always gone and he wanted Tayden to go where he had always gone. So, this afternoon we packed up the boys and drove 45 minutes to the pumpkin patch, took pictures and let the boys pick out a pumpkin - the things we do for our children, right? We had so much fun! Tayden was so cute as he ran around touching and pointing at the pumpkins and trying to explain "in his own mumbled words" that it was a pumpkin and trying to tell Tanner all about it!!! Events like the pumpkin patch, our wedding anniversary last week, our weekend getaway last weekend and the planning of Thanksgiving are moments that are so good for me because they allow me to escape from reality, the reality of my pregnancy/baby being considered "incompatible with life" and the uncertainty of our time with Tristan. No, I don't ever truly forget about it, I mean, I did have several thoughts as we were at the pumpkin patch of "oh, I wish Tristan would be here next year - he'd be 10 months old, I wonder what we'd dressed him up as and I wish he'd be in the pumpkin patch with the boys" but then I have to stop and say to myself, "it's okay, he's really in the pictures this year (we took some family pictures) because he's alive inside of me and that's all that matters". We've all heard people say "laughter is good for the soul" and I truly agree with that right now. Laughter is good, we are still having so much fun as a family doing all the normal things families do together which is exactly what I need because if not I could be sad, down, depressed and drowning in my sorrow, due to Tristan's condition, and cause my 2 boys, who are alive and well, to miss out on the things that are so important in their little lives right now. They grow up so fast and moments like the pumpkin patch will be gone before we know it, so I want to enjoy every moment. We will have time, in the future, to mourn for Tristan but not today - he is still alive and kicking!!!
2 comments:
Thank you for the reminder of laughter is the best medicine. You are so right that Tristan is in the pictures. We are continuing to pray and offer up for Tristan and your family.
Cathy & Annabel (T18)
Emily said...
I found your site through Poppy's and seeing your boys with pumpkins made me smile. You are right, there will be time to mourn Tristan, but it is not today. Today he is alive and kicking and that is a blessing to behold and rest in! My baby girl, Miller Grace, has been in Heaven for four months now. Hardly a moment goes by without missing her. I am so glad I was able to share the moments that I shared with all three of my girls before she was born and in the five days we cherished her. I do not know how you feel, no one does, or even how it feels to carry a child with Trisomy 18. I do know the struggle that comes in trying to cherish two living children while mourning for a baby you so desperately wanted to keep. You're not there yet. Cherish these moments and take all the pictures of your family of five that you can. And know that I am lifting you up.
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