The friend who called

The past few days have been so hard on all of us and my emotions are just up and down. The people who know me well know that I am a happy, upbeat, outgoing girl who loves the Lord, who loves her family and loves to live life to it's fullest! However, I do not feel like that anymore. Honestly, I am so caught up in my emotions that I don't feel like I have the strength to get through this and I'm scared, scared of what the future now holds for our baby boy and for our family. I've been fortunate enough to never have any kind of tragedy in my life and only the loss of my grandfather in 1993 (which is still very hard for me to accept), so how will I ever survive the loss of our baby? Will I ever laugh and smile again? Will I always be this lonely and down? Will this just tear me apart completely? and Will the wonderful life I had before August 15th ever return? I felt like this until the phone rang and a sweet girl from our church called at 4:00 pm. What's neat is that she wasn't a real close friend or even someone I've ever gone out and done things with, she is just a sweet girl, our families have known each other for years, our moms are good friends, my mom was there for her during her pregnancy and birth of her daughter. She and her husband have a little girl with Down Syndrome and although the prognosis/outcome of Trisomy 21 is certainly different than that of Trisomy 18, their little girl had a lot more problems than just Downs which caused them to be in the same place that we are in right now, both emotionally and in the planning of her funeral because they did not expect her to live. However, she did live and she is just adorable! What a miracle baby they have and the Lord is continuing to bless them in so many ways including helping couples like us! Back to my telephone conversation with her, she said that she didn't want to impose but that if I ever needed to talk she could certainly relate. I said, "actually, I have been sitting here on the couch crying all day and counting the hours until Trayc comes home at 5:00 pm so I'd love to talk." Our conversation lasted for 1 1/2 hours. I explained that I had loved being pregnant, watching my stomach grow, buying and wearing maternity clothes and feeling our baby kick - UNTIL NOW, I don't want to be pregnant and watch my stomach grow, I don't want to feel him kick, I don't want to wear maternity clothes because it is all a reminder of what is to come, the loss of our baby boy, and I'm scared! She said that these were all very normal feelings, that I will make it through this, that I will love life again and that as times goes by I would start feeling normal again, that I would have the strength to go on and that this would not just tear me apart completely to the point that I am not that same girl I was before August 15th. I don't know, there was just something about talking to her that was more comforting than I can even describe. I didn't feel like I was crazy for feeling these things. After we talked I got dressed and when Trayc walked in the door I said, "hey, let's go out to eat!" He said, "okay, are you sure?" I said, "yes", he said, "who did you talk to that made you feel like this?" and I told him about the phone call. Amazing isn't it how the Lord uses people in our lives, and not just the friends we are the closest to, to help us feel like we are not alone and that can comfort us right where we are! Please pray that I will begin to feel like myself again, that I will regain the strength I have always had and not just continue to wallow in my sorrow because even though Tristan's future is uncertain, what is certain is that I am still a wife (to a wonderful husband), a mom to 2 other precious boys, a home-school teacher to Tanner, Tanner's chauffeur to/from soccer and piano, a S.S. class member and a faithful church member. Therefore, I know my life and my responsibilities have to go on.