The day we feared the most

This morning at 8:15 am was my appt. with the "high-risk" doctors. As mentioned earlier, this was supposed to be a normal heart echo sonogram, however, now with the concern from my doctor and us, of Trisomy 18, the heart echo really didn't matter at that point - we had so much more to be concerned with! This time we left the boys with my parents because we did not know what to expect, good news or bad news. As I was laying on the table with the sonogram wand on my stomach I was praying, and literally begging the Lord, to allow the blood test to be wrong so that our little boy would live. As the sonographer was doing the sonogram she said everything looked really good. I said, "Does the file say we are here because there is a 1 in 10 chance that our baby has Trisomy 18?" She checked the file and said, "oh, okay". She kept doing the sonogram and then said, "to be honest, everything is measuring correctly, my only concern is that his hands are clenched (normal babies hands can be closed, however, after having a 1 hour sonogram he should have opened and closed his hands several times). I just started crying, I knew, we have done extensive research online regarding Trisomy 18 and that one factor alone, clenched hands, means Trisomy 18. The sonographer stepped out to get the doctor and when he returned he said, "okay, let's look at the hands which seem to be a concern", he said, "yes, unfortunately it does look like they are clenched", then he looked at his heart and said, "there is a very small, actually only a .4 hole in his heart, which could very easily close up prior to birth and if not, it is certainly repairable with heart surgery". He advised that we do an amnio test right then to confirm 100% that our baby had Trisomy 18. I said, "absolutely not", and then Trayc asked that we be alone for a few minutes. We talked and cried and Trayc said he knows that we have always denied amnio's because of the risk of miscarriage and because no matter the results we would never terminate our pregnancy, but at the same time we HAD TO KNOW FOR SURE what we are facing in the upcoming months. So, I agreed and the amino was done. We left the doctor's office in mere silence not knowing what to say, only to hold hands and cry. Have you ever felt so devastated and overwhelmed with emotion that the world seemed to be crashing down upon you and you just couldn't stop it? This is how I feel! I knew, laying on the table, that my life would never be the same after today and I was so scared! Sure, we've had marital and financial problems over the past 17 years of our marriage, but who hasn't?, however, both of those are basically self-inflicted: WE made the choice to let sin enter our marriage and WE made the choices to spend money outside our means, but these kind of issues are fixable - Trayc and I have lived on the mountain top for 5 years, we are more in-love today than we've ever been, we've lived everyday like it's our last, and we have managed over the past 7 years with the Lords help to get ourselves out of over $30,000 debt., but this is different, WE did not chose this, this was not a result of sin in our lives or overspending. The hardest part is that this(barring a miracle) is not fixable, and it is the most precious possession(besides our other 2 boys) we have, our unborn baby boy. Please be praying for us as the news of our unborn son, Tristan, sets in and becomes a reality for us. As we have read online, we have so much ahead of us, all of which is so unpredictable by medical science but fortunately we are not relying on medical science to get us through this, we are relying ONLY on the Lord and His will for our family no matter what that might be.