Our road to a full quiver

It's been almost 8 months since our little boy passed away. As a mommy, there is a part of my heart that wants to crawl in bed and dwell in those precious 56 DAYS that we shared and yet I know I can't do that. I am wife to Trayc, a mom to Tanner and Tayden, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a Aunt, a friend, a 6th grade girls' Sunday School Outreach leader, a Middle School church choir helper and a mentor to a precious 6th grade girl that came into my life a year ago.

As a family we have slowly made our way through this grieving process. Never rushing, never expecting too much from each other, never doing more than we thought we could emotionally handle and basically taking it one day at a time. Don't get me wrong, we are still grieving but in such a different way. We miss our little boy so much, his presence in our home is felt every day but the pain is not what it was 8 months ago. We have had to consciously make a decision, every day, that although we miss our little boy, we have to move forward and that is exactly what we have attempted to do the past few months.

I would like to share with you, where we have been and then share the exciting news of where we are:

Trayc and I grew up together at church. We attend a large church and there were over 300 in our youth group, we knew of each other but didn't hang around together. It wasn't until we had both graduated from high school and attended Middle School camp as counselors in August 1987 that we actually met. It was love at first sight for both of us. I was taken by his sweet charm and personality but mostly by his love for the Lord as it was so obvious. We hung around together, in a group of friends, at church until our first date on October 19, 1987. We dated for 3 years and 1 week. During those years of dating we both lived at home. On the weekends we would stay on the phone for hours (like 4, 5 and 6 hrs!) talking about being married, having our own home and having a big family. Trayc wanted 4 kids, I wanted 6 kids - 3 boys, 3 girls (can you guess what my favorite TV show was? Yes, the Brady Bunch).

I had some female problems in my early 20's. I went to the doctor and ended up having numerous tests which then required a few surgeries. The doctor revealed the results of the surgeries and then said "Unfortunately, you will never be able to have children". I will never forget that day! I left devastated. I was so upset, not only by the results but with the doctor's attitude, he was very matter of fact and gave me no kind of hope. I decided to change doctors hoping for a better response. I knew the results wouldn't change but I was just looking for some kind of direction, some kind of hope, just anything that could possibly allow me to get pregnant and be a mommy.

Trayc and I were looking at rings and talking about getting married so I had to be honest with him, I had to tell him that we would never be able to have children, our own flesh and blood. Being the wonderful guy he was, he calmly and confidently said, "Honey, it's okay we'll just adopt". He was so sweet. I appreciated his attitude, he loved me for me not the children I could or could not give him. Inside though, my heart was broken. Every hope, every dream of having a family of our own and being a mommy was gone, gone before I even said "I do".

Trayc and I were married on October 26, 1990. We knew the chances were highly unlikely that we'd get pregnant but we still tried month after month, year after year for 4 long years. I changed doctors 8 times. A friend suggested that I go to her doctor because he was a sweet Christian man. I scheduled the appt. but honestly went with no expectations. What a difference that appt. made. The doctor said there was hope as there were several kinds of infertility medications available - none of which were ever offered by the other 8 doctors. I began taking fertility medications immediately. The doctor tried every kind and with every combination possible for 6 months but I still wasn't pregnant. The doctor did not want to waste any more time on medications so he referred us to an infertility specialist.

We were excited about an appointment with the top infertility specialist in town. Again Trayc and I went to that appt. with no expectations! We sat there stunned as the doctor began telling us successful stories(most of which were multiple births) and he read statistics with the majority of women getting pregnant within 2-3 months through invitro. For the first time ever, we had a doctor say "Your case is very common, you shouldn't have any problem getting pregnant with invitro." WOW!!!!! Finally we had hope. We heard that there was a chance we could get pregnant, we could actually have a baby and hold our own flesh and blood. After 4 years of trying, 9 doctors, 1 infertility specialist, $25,000 (thanks to Trayc's mom and grandma), 2 invitro procedures, many tears and lots of prayers - we were pregnant. Tanner Alexander was born July 19, 1996. Our first miracle baby!

We attempted 9 more years to get pregnant on our own without any success. Trayc and I decided to make an appt. with the same infertility specialist again. We didn't have any more money but we knew the invitro procedure worked for Tanner and we were really hoping it would not cost as much if we went straight to the same process. That would have been great, however, we were now 9 years older (37) and our bodies had changed. They could do the same process but there would be a few more processes, which meant more money! We left the doctor's office that day resolving in our own minds that we were so thankful for the life of our son, Tanner, and we would pursue adoption down the road. Every day Tanner would ask why we didn't have a house full of kids, that he didn't want to be an only child and that he wanted lots of brothers and sisters. A few days later, Trayc woke up in the middle of the night and said, "I just thought of a way we could get the money, we could see how much equity we have in our home". The next day he rushed to the bank and we had enough. We refinanced, we got the money, went to the doctor with a check in hand and began the blood work and paperwork. On July 28th, 4 days before we were supposed to begin invitro process our doctor said that I needed to take a pregnancy test just to make sure we were not pregnant. I laughed and said, "Seriously, I really don't need to take one, I've never been pregnant on my own in 15 years. " Guess what? I was pregnant. Tayden Abbott was born March 27, 2006. Our second miracle baby!

Trayc and I decided that since we got pregnant with Tayden on our own, no medication, no invitro procedures and we were 40, we'd try again because we really wanted Tayden to have a brother/sister close in age. So we tried, 1 time on Tayden's 1st birthday and guess what? Again, we were pregnant. Tristan Asher was born December 3, 2007. Our third miracle baby!

The Lord has blessed Trayc and I with the greatest desires of our hearts, our own flesh and blood. But, as you know the hopes and dreams for our third 3rd miracle baby were not all we had hoped they would be. Our lives were shattered on August 15th as we sat in the high-risk doctor's office and heard the news that our precious little boy would be born with a very rare (1:6000) genetic disorder called Trisomy 18 which is considered "incompatible with life".

After the shock and devastation of the news wore off, Trayc and I started talking about our future, not just with Tristan, but about our desire for more children. Here we were, married for 18 years, both 40 years old, 2 boys which are 10 years apart and a baby that, barred a miracle, would not be with us very long. In September 2007 we began talking about adoption again, just as we had back when we were dating and over the course of our 18 yrs of marriage. Trayc and I talked about adoption quite often until Tristan was born on December 3, 2007. We stopped talking about it because we were still hoping and praying for a miracle. The Lord was still able to place His hand on our little boy and remove this disorder if He chose to. We also did not want to give up the hope that if our little boy was born with Trisomy 18 that he could be the long-time survivor, after all there are still miracle babies out there living with full Trisomy 18. I so desired to spend the rest of my life, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week taking care of my little boy and would have done it, if given the chance! We now know the Lord's plan was for Tristan to live for 56 DAYS and I have to trust that He knows better than me. Was Tristan still our third miracle baby? Absolutely and in so many ways. He was conceived without medication, we only tried once, he made it to full-term, he was born alive, he made it to our home, we shared Tristan's 1st Christmas and best of all --- we prayed for 1 day and the Lord blessed us with 56 DAYS.

Our desire for more children is greater than it's ever been. Our minds are open, our hearts and open and our home is open. We believe the Lord has brought adoption back to both of our hearts. In March, I mentioned to Trayc that I would like to start considering adoption again but that I didn't want to say anything to anyone or make a decision either way until we both felt like the Lord was clearly leading us in that direction and not that we were just trying to fill the void we were feeling from Tristan's loss. So, I made my very first call to a friend in our church that had just adopted 2 little girls, sisters. My friend was so sweet. We talked for 2 hours, she explained their process, how precious their girls were, how they had adjusted, that they were a perfect fit in their family and that their other 3 girls instantly accepted them. It was so good for me to talk to her because honestly, I did not know anyone that has ever been adopted or adopted a baby/child. This was as new to me as Tristan's T-18 diagnosis and again I found myself researching the Internet for answers. However, it was wonderful to actually know someone who had just been through this process. My sweet friend gave me the names/numbers of people within the foster care system that helped them through the process so after we hung up I began making numerous phone calls. We were told it could take 6-9 months to get through the process. We began the process on April 9th, received our Adoption license on June 26th and our Foster-to-Adopt license on July 9th - both processes completed in 3 months.

We would like to adopt 2 sisters (between the ages of 3-8 yrs old). As everyone knows, I want little girls soooo bad. I long to go to ballet lessons, have pretend tea parties, play with Barbies, play dress up, have Disney princess' stuff everywhere, buy fancy dresses for church, brush long hair and learn how to put in hair bows. Just typing these words literally brings tears of excitement rolling down my face.

Our family is filled with excitement and anticipation as we wait for our little girls! And Tanner, well let's just say that he is ecstatic!!!! Oh how this brings joy to our hearts. The moment Tristan passed away he was crying so hard and begging "Mommy, please please have another baby or let's adopt please! I want a whole house full of brothers and sisters!" As I held Tristan in one arm, I held Tanner's face in the other and said, "Look at me Tanner, mommy promises we will not end on Tristan okay? We will have more children." My heart was not only breaking for the loss of Tristan but for Tanner. Tanner's little heart went through so much this past year and he was in, by far, the most difficult moment he will probably ever face in his life - his baby brother had just taken his last breath. Trayc and I have made him a huge part of this process. It has been sweet hearing him pray every day for our girls and ask every time the phone rings "Mommy, was that a call about some girls?".

Would you please join us today in praying for our future children, the ones the Lord will bring home to us? We do not know who they are or when they will come but He does and His timing is always perfect. We are specifically praying that the Lord would protect them, guard their little minds and hearts until they walk through the door of our home. We are praying for them daily just as we did for all 3 of our boys.

A very special THANK YOU to the following people that helped us through this process: Tamara B., Sandra S., Linda A., Eileen C., Dennis M., FSS employees, JG, Melissa B., Gidgett G., Michelle Mc., the 10 couples we met at CFC, Jami T., my and Trayc's family members' that have prayed/supported/encouraged us, and my sweet Internet friends that walked the Trisomy 18 road with me and are now walking this road with me.


Psalm 127:3-5

3 Behold, children are a
heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is
His reward.

4 Like arrows in the hand of
a warrior,
So are the children of one's
youth.

5 Happy is the man who has
his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their
enemies in the gate.

9 months ago.....

9 months ago today my sweet little boy was born. Knowing all of the "statistics" for Trisomy 18 babies, we assumed we would only have a few minutes or a few hours. We had already begged the doctors to get me from the operating room to my regular room as quick as possible. When we entered the room it was filled with 25 family members, photographer and her assistant from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization, ready to take pictures, and one of our pastors was there ready to perform the baby dedication service. This service was very important to us because we had dedicated Tanner and Tayden at birth AND because Tristan truly was our miracle gift from the Lord, we felt it appropriate that we dedicate his life to the One who created him.

I have been so blessed to have such a sweet and very thoughtful step-mom, she thinks of those little things that mean so much. She surprised us with buying Tristan a beautiful, hand sewn, dedication outfit from a little quaint baby store in Nashville, TN. It was absolutely beautiful! We were going to dress Tristan in it, however because he had to be resuscitated 4 times in the delivery room we thought it would be best to let him save his energy and rest so we laid the outfit over him. Doesn't my little boy look precious here?


This picture has become very special to me because every morning when I turn on the computer Tayden climbs up in the chair, leans over the desktop, points to THIS picture (which is part of a collage of Tristan's pictures on our screen saver) and says "Baby" and "Baby hat". He smiles, laughs, climbs down and runs down the stairs to go eat breakfast.

It is so sweet to watch him do this and yet it brings bittersweet tears EVERY morning. I have seen Tayden grow up so much in the last 9 months. He is communicating and talking more and seems to be identifying with who Tristan is, alot more than when he was here in December and January. Oh how I wish Tayden was able to have his little brother here to love him, kiss him, talk to him and eventually play. Whenever I look in Tayden's room and see him sitting in the floor playing with Tanner, my mind envisions what it would have been like having all 3 of them playing. Although I will forever miss having my 3 boys grow-up together, I did have 56 DAYS with all 3 of my boys together. We were able to make so many memories during that time. One of my favorite pictures of my 3 boys together is this one from Christmas morning, our 1st Christmas with Tristan.


Days like today are hard. I have come to realize that there will always be days like the 3rd (the day he was born) and the 27th (the day that he passed away) that will forever be etched in my mind. I'm really missing my little boy today!!!!

Special prayer request: Kenzie & baby Faith

On the way home from church tonight I received a text from Kenzie. After a doctor's appt. today, she was admitted into the hospital because she was dilated and in preterm labor at 26 weeks. Kenzie and Dusty are expecting their precious little girl, Faith Clare Stanfield, in December. Right now they are attempting to stop the contractions with magnesium sulfate for at least the next 48 hours and then Kenzie will be on bedrest.

I am sure Kenzie is scared, as any mother would be, and yet I also know that Kenzie's faith and trust in our Lord has never wavered. What a testimony she has been through Maddox's sweet life and through this pregnancy with Faith Clare. Kenzie has become one of my dearest friends this past year. We've laughed together, cried together and prayed together while on this Trisomy 18 journey so it's really hard to be here in Florida when I want to be there in Texas beside her, holding her hand and praying with her. But what I can do is pray for her from a distance. I come here tonight with a heavy heart for my precious friend.

Please pray for Kenzie, baby Faith, her husband Dusty and their son Deacon tonight and in the days ahead. Kenzie's blog is located on the side of my lists under Trisomy 18 journeys, Maddox Donald Stanfield. Please visit their blog and let them know you are praying for them.

Kenzie used this verse for Faith Clare on June 7th: "I have prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27

August 15th...our journey began 1 yr ago

I am so sorry it's been a while since I've posted, it has been a busy month. Thank you to everyone that has either called or emailed to make sure we were okay. How comforting it is to know that we have sweet friends that remember we are still on this journey.

After Tanner's birthday weekend, we spent the following week shopping for clothes and getting him ready for the upcoming year of home school, piano, soccer and middle school (at church).

On July 28th, we took Tanner to church for his first year of Middle School camp. He was both excited and nervous because he had never been away from home for more than one night, so 5 days/4 nights seemed like a very long time.


As soon as we pulled up to church there were buses, luggage trucks and hundreds of kids running around talking and laughing - you could feel the excitement in the air! He found his cousin, Avery, and quickly forgot about being scared. Avery is in 7th grade so this was his 2nd year at camp, he is really excited Tanner's in Middle School now. They have talked all Summer about the Middle School dept. and how much fun they are going to have together going to camp, church, retreats, mission trips, etc. How blessed Tanner is to have christian cousins.


There were 8 buses - 4 boys and 4 girls, that lined the streets beside the church. That morning brought back so many memories for Trayc and I, we grew up at FBC and attended the same camp every year. But this time it was different, we weren't the ones going to camp, we were the ones standing on the street waving goodbye and that is hard! I did everything possible to fight back the tears, although there were many 6th grade parents crying. My first born is growing up way too fast.


After the buses were completely out of sight we left. I sat quietly in the front wondering how I would go all week without hugging or talking to Tanner. Tayden and Tanner play together most days so Tayden definitely missed his brother. It was an emotionally hard and quiet week. For 10 years all we knew was Tanner and then along came Tayden and we experienced the joy of having 2 children and then on December 3, 2007 we had 3 boys. Not only was it a blessing but a miracle, as we were told we'd never have children. I cannot explain the fulfillment I felt holding Tristan, having Tanner on one side and Tayden on the other. Once you know the feeling of 3 children in your home, if only for Tristan's 56 days, how do you ever go back to 2 children and NOT feel like something is missing?????? I am so thankful for Tanner and Tayden but our family is not complete without Tristan here. He was a part of us, he was a part of our family and I miss the noise and the busyness his sweet little life brought to our home. It seemed as though the loss of Tristan was magnified even more with Tanner not being home because I was back to one child.

Needless to say, we literally counted down the days until Tanner came home on Friday. We were the first car in the parking lot, an hour early! As the buses starting pulling up I was running down the sidewalk. The buses couldn't unload fast enough. I was standing at the door, of the 6th grade bus, as Tanner walked off. With tear-filled eyes, I grabbed him and said, "Hey baby, I missed you!" I probably embarrassed him (because you know, he's a big middle schooler now) but it's okay, he will always be my baby. This is the face of a very, very happy mommy!!!!!


We went out to dinner and Tanner shared about his exciting week at camp. It was packed full of activities: morning devotions, meeting at the flag pole for the pledge, 3 meals, swimming, softball, Bible classes, choir and chapel. Up at 6:00 am and in bed at 10:00 pm. There were 300 middle schoolers and lots of decisions for Christ were made. Tanner made a commitment to live 100% for the Lord and we are so proud of him. We know that Middle School is going to be an exciting time for him and cannot wait to see all that the Lord does in his life this year. We are grateful for a church that loves it's young people and knows the importance of teaching them about Jesus and how to live a godly and pure life.


On August 3rd, Tanner began his first week in the Middle School dept. He couldn't wait to get to Sunday School to receive his "Take The Light" journal - it's a big deal in Middle School, just as it was when Trayc and I were in there, infact I still have my journals from Middle School and High School. There is a section for their morning devotions, a section for prayer requests and a section for taking sermons notes. What a blessing it has been to see Tanner sit on his bed every morning having his quiet time, praying and writing prayer requests. Trayc and I are also really excited about this new school year because we are both working in the Middle School dept. as outreach leaders in the 6th grade Sunday School and helpers in Choir.


On August 7th and 8th, we took a mini-vacation to Orlando. After Tristan passed away a sweet friend had given us free tickets to Wet N' Wild so we decided to use them before we got too busy with the new school year. Trayc and I haven't been since high school and Tanner and Tayden have never been to a water park so we thought it would be fun. Trayc and I took turns going on the big slides with Tanner, I can't remember laughing that hard and that much. And Tayden, well his favorite thing to do was lay back on his tube and go around the lazy river over and over and over! We had a great weekend.




On August 15th, it was a day I would have preferred to stay in bed all day remembering that 1 yr ago our Trisomy 18 journey began. Thankfully, my sweet husband dragged me out of bed at 7:30 am and said that we were going to remember our little boy today and be thankful for all that we had with him. I got ready and we went to breakfast and talked about our precious little boy and all that the Lord had brought us through and what He is doing in our lives now.

Our life forever changed on August 15, 2007. Until that day life was great. We had been married 17 years, we had remained out of debt and cash only for 5 years, we were 8 days from moving into our new home with new furniture, we were prepared to paint blue walls and decorate a sports theme, we had sweet 11 yr old, a silly 1 yr old and we were pregnant with our 3rd little boy!!!!

Little did we realize in a matter of minutes our lives were about to change and that day would quickly became the worst day of our lives. We heard the most devastating and life shattering news that no parent should ever had to hear - our precious little boy, Tristan Asher, would be born with a very rare genetic disorder known as Trisomy 18 which, by medical science, is considered "incompatible with life". We were then told the statistics, 50% of babies do not survive to full-term birth alive and the 50% that do usually only live a few hours or days.

Our doctor's appointment that day was ONLY supposed to be a follow-up sonogram to see Tristan's heart. You see, just 4 weeks prior we were there to find out the most important question of any pregnancy, "Is it a boy or girl????" because we needed to buy paint before we moved into our new house the following week. We found out that it was another boy and just stood at the check out laughing saying, "Great, another boy which means more blue and we have to think of a name". I really thought this was going to be our girl so it was just such a joke that again we were having another boy and figured that we'd have to adopt if we were ever going to have a girl.

When we approached the check-out desk the nurse said the doctor wanted to see us back in 4 weeks for a routine sonogram to see Tristan's heart. The nurse tossed around several dates and then said "How is 8/15 at 8:15, hey that will be easy to remember?" and then laughed. I said, "That's fine" and as she was writing the little reminder card that said "8/15 at 8:15" I looked at Trayc and said, "That will be an easy day to remember!" Not only because of the similar numbers but because August 15th had 2 very special memories attached to that day, 1) Tanner's due date was August 15th and, 2) Tanner started his very first day of kindergarten on August 15th. Oh little did I know, standing at that desk that day, what other memory would now became attached to August 15th. That was the day every hope and every dream we had for our precious little boy was shattered in an instant!

When I read my own words written in my entry that day I feel the hurt, the pain, the sadness and the disappointment. We were so devastated!!!! But now, one year later as I look back, although the sadness of the news is still felt, I so vividly see how the Lord has carried us every step of the way. He was so faithful to our family. We did not know that we would have 56 days with our little boy. We were so scared we wouldn't make it to December. After we got over the initial shock and devastation, we committed to each other and to our Lord that we would not allow Satan to win. We would not allow him to steal the joy of the new life inside of me and that our little boy was our 3rd miracle regardless of his diagnosis. We prayed that the Lord would bless our family with the time He wanted us to have and that we would forever be thankful for that amount, whether it was a day, a month or a year. Tristan's time was 56 days.........that is his little life, his story and what the Lord allowed and we are eternally grateful for that time. You know, sometimes in this life we feel as though we do not make it very far but as I read my words written exactly one year ago I know that we have come through this.

On August 19th (of this year), and the following 4 days we were trapped inside. Yes, we're in Florida and you know what that means......hurricanes! Fay slowly made her way here. It began as a storm and then became a hurricane. The TV News was reporting it to "come right in at St. Augustine", well that's us, and this had not happened since 1964!!!! We began preparing for what we thought would be a very serious hurricane. Fortunately the hurricane became a storm, again, overnight. We had the winds of up to 75 mph and definitely rain and flooding but no serious damage was done. Here are some pictures:

Trayc was in the backyard attempting to take pictures without being blown over:


We had trees down in our subdivision:


We had so much flooding that the yard was full of water and the trees around the lake were IN the lake:


In 4 days of bad weather, we only lost electricity for about an hour on the last day. The boys got out the glow sticks left over from July 4th and we played:


And then tonight, August 27th, as I sit here and type this entry, I am reminded that it has been 7 months since I held my little boy. Oh my heart still aches for Tristan. I am reminded of him in everything we do, whether big or small, the daily routine or the fun planned trips and events. We are changed because of Tristan and we will honor our little boy's life by continuing to move forward, by using his story...56 days...to encourage other moms that receive the same diagnosis, to support others through their loss, to continue living for Jesus, taking one day at a time and above all ---- seeking to do the Lord's will in all that we do.


THANK YOU:

To everyone we personally know, or only know through the blog: for following our story this past year, for your love, support, encouragement, cards, emails, comments on our blog and Facebook. It means more than you can imagine. This has been a journey filled with many ups and downs but your friendships have carried us through the most difficult days of our lives.

To both of our families: for being there every day to love us, encourage us, support us and for understanding our emotions as we walk this road of grief this first year. We love you!!!

To my sweet internet friends: for your love, prayers and encouraging me on the hard days and for "carrying my mat" every day on this journey. I miss you all so much and cannot wait to be together again. I love you!!!!

Happy Birthday, Tanner!

12 years ago today Trayc and I were holding our first little boy, Tanner Alexander. He was definitely our miracle baby! We were told by 8 different doctors that we would never be able to have children. After 4 years of attempting to get pregnant, infertility medications and 2 invitro procedures we were pregnant! I am so thankful the Lord allowed us to get pregnant with Tanner, he was the answer to many prayers. Tanner was born 4 weeks early, weighed 5 lbs. 11 oz. and had no hair. We look so young don't we? We were so happy.......we NEVER thought that day was even possible!


If asked how I would describe Tanner this is what I would say: innocent, loving, happy, funny, sweet, polite, thoughtful, helpful, loves celebrating events and is a true perfectionist. Tanner says when he grows up he wants to play soccer in college, work for his dad's company (tile/stone), play the piano like Michael W. Smith and he wants to go on mission trips with his dad so they can tell the world about Jesus. What more could a mother ask for?

We have home schooled since 1st grade. It has been a decision we will never regret. In the beginning we only pulled Tanner from private school because we were having financial difficulties and the plan was to keep him out for 1 year. Well, 2 months into home schooling my heart quickly changed because I loved spending that time with him and because he was the only child at the time, we had a lot of one-on-one time together. And then it was fun while I was pregnant with Tayden because Tanner got to feel him kick, watch him grow for 9 months and be a part of our pregnancy. When Tayden was born Tanner stayed all 4 nights at the hospital and slept in his sleeping bag - the hospital doctors/nurses thought he was so cute sleeping on the floor beside me and they would just laugh when he'd walk up and down the hospital halls in his PJ's and big doggie slippers to go to the kitchen to get snacks! After Tanner finishes with school he will sit and play with Tayden whether it's trucks, trains, cars or sitting to watch Tayden's "baby" movies. And then being pregnant with Tristan, I could not have imagined Tanner not being there every day. With a Trisomy 18 baby you are only promised THAT day and not knowing whether we'd even make it to December it was so important to us that Tanner have as much time as possible being a big brother to Tristan even before he was born. And then to be able to bring Tristan home for 56 DAYS? What sweet memories Tanner will always have of being at his baby brother's bassinet all day, every day. So homeschooling has allowed so much more for us than if Tanner was at school all day. Home schooling has so many advantages and along with educating him I also get to teach him how to act like a godly christian young man.

Tanner has only played one sport, SOCCER!!!! He has played the Spring and Fall season since he was 4 years old. He had the same coach and team until we moved last August, it was neat watching all of the kids grow up together. Trayc was Asst. Coach and I was Soccer Mom for his team up until last year. We love going to games on Saturdays to watch Tanner play and it's so cute hearing Tayden clap and yell "YEAH, BRO BRO".

Tanner has taken piano lessons since he was 8 years old, and he has received trophies the past 3 years. Trayc and I both played the piano growing up but Tanner is so much more dedicated than we ever were. He will sit and play an hour or two a day. It is relaxing to hear him play throughout the day. We hope he will continue to use his talent in the years to come.

Tanner has 4 very close friends (left to right) Ben, Tanner, Drew, Harrison and Avery (cousin). All 4 of these are boys from sweet christian families, we are grateful for their friendships and the christian influence Tanner is surrounded by.

Tanner loves going to church and has been very involved. His favorite part is being in the musicals twice a year. All 4 years he had received a part, whether it's speaking or dancing. His last Elementary musical was in May, he was Lazarus in the boys' dance routine, which he dedicated to Tristan because his part centered around Tristan's life verse - John 11:4.


Tanner and Trayc have their own sport they enjoy doing together, kayaking. They began about 2 years ago and we surprised Tanner last year with his own kayak on his 11th birthday. Now that we live so close to the water it's very easy to drive down the street and put the kayaks in. This also give them father-son time together.

Children grow up so fast don't they? I can't believe Tanner actually leaves for Middle School Church Camp on the 28th. He is really excited about moving up to Middle School, at church, because they go on Mission trips, Retreats, Camp and have Friday night Bible studies. He is so excited that we are going to be working in the department too. Camp is going to be the beginning of a very exciting time for him and the beginning of some great opportunities for him to learn more about Jesus and how to have a deeper and more personal relationship with Him in the upcoming year.

Tanner was an only child for 10 years, all he ever wanted was a house full of brothers/sisters, so you can imagine how excited he was when we told him on his 10th birthday that he would be a BIG brother! Although there is an age difference you'd never know it, they play like they are best friends.

And Tanner was really excited when we told him, last Easter, that we were pregnant again. Tanner handled Tristan's diagnosis, his birth and his death far better than we ever expected. He has experienced more than most by the age of 12 in losing his brother. It's been a long road but he has no anger or bitterness and never questions why the Lord only allowed Tristan 56 DAYS with our family. I have heard him on many occasions explain how much of a miracle Tristan was, it's so sweet to hear him share his testimony about him. Tanner has been a big encourager for me, during the day, when I'm sad or missing Tristan.


We are so proud of Tanner, he is such a blessing to our family. Our prayer is that Tanner will continue to be a young man who loves Jesus with all of his heart, that will never turn away from the Lord, that he will never comprise his standards and personal convictions for this sinful world.

Happy 12th Birthday, Tanner!!!!

We love you,
Mommy, Daddy and Tayden

1 Samuel 1:27 says: "I have prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

my LARGE shirt

This has been a very busy and exciting week, our church had Vacation Bible School for the 3 yr old through 5th graders. We had a lot of kids, the average was about 1,200 per day and the 1st-5th graders collected a daily offering, for a local children's mission field within our church, which exceeded $2,000. I worked in the 5th grade department so I could be with Tanner all week - we had so much fun! We started off every morning with a main assembly for 1st-5th graders, where the kids would say all 3 pledges, sing songs, listen to a missions story, pray and then we divided into grade levels and had Bible class, Craft class and Recreation. I just love working with kids this age and teaching them about the Lord, this world has not really gotten a hold of them yet so they listen with open hearts and open minds.

This year the VBS theme was "Outriggers Island". The kids learned how to know, speak and live God's truth-aloha style. Based on Psalm 86:11, Outrigger Island is more than a tropical paradise. It's the place where kids develop the stability they need to face a world of shifting sands and wavering opinions.

The teachers were given lime green shirts to wear all week. On Monday, as I was getting dressed for VBS and pulled my medium shirt over my head, I instantly recalled getting ready last year ........


........... my shirt was a LARGE!!!! I was 4 months pregnant with Tristan and we did not know he had Trisomy 18. I was so excited, so happy, full of laughter and proudly wore my large shirt that covered my big belly. I took my niece and nephew every morning to VBS, as soon as my sister would drop them off my niece would say, "Aunt Yvette is Tristan kicking?". They loved rubbing my belly, feeling him kick and couldn't wait to have another cousin to play with. I miss those days.


This week has brought a lot of memories of being pregnant with Tristan. I miss the days I wore LARGE shirts, my big belly and feeling him kick, but even more so I miss the 56 DAYS we had, just loving and holding my precious little boy!

Oh Tristan, mommy misses you so much!


(VBS verse) Psalm 86:11 says: "Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name."

Deeper Still: A Divine Appointment Indeed

Thank you so much to everyone who left a comment on my entry titled "Face-to-Face". I still cannot find the words to express how much the Atlanta trip meant to me. It was just so comforting and healing being with 7 other girls who completely understand everything I am feeling. We share a bond that cannot be broken by time nor distance. The only thing that's different now is that we all really miss each other and can't wait to be together again!

Since posting about our trip I have received numerous emails from people simply saying thank you for sharing our story and our journey. Oh, my hope has always been that other girls who are facing a diagnosis like Trisomy 18 or any other prenatal diagnosis will reach out to others that are going through the same thing or that have already walked this road. This journey has been lightened since I reached out to these sweet girls last Fall and I cannot imagine this journey without them.

After returning from our trip, one of the girls, Emily (Miller Grace's mom), was given an amazing opportunity by LifeWay to share her story of our Atlanta/Deeper Still trip which was posted today on the Deeper Still Blog (Beth Moore).

A very special THANK YOU to Michelle Hicks, LifeWay Rep., for praying for us over these past few months, for praying with us at DS, for giving us the incredible opportunity to meet Beth Moore backstage and for allowing the story of our babies to be shared through the DS blog!

Please click on the link below to read Emily's story:
http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/deeperstill/2008/07/deeper_still_a_divine_

Face-to-Face

On Sunday night I returned from the most incredible trip of my life. I was finally able to meet FACE-TO-FACE with 8 my closest "Internet" friends that have walked this Trisomy 18 road with me.

It's really hard to put into words what this weekend meant but I will try because I want you to understand through my words and pictures, how the Lord blessed me by placing each one of these girls in my life, through the loss of my precious little boy, Tristan. It is such a beautiful picture of how the Lord went before us and prepared every step we would take, while on this journey, so that we could carry each other on the most difficult days of our lives.

In March, Emily emailed several of the girls she has met along her journey and asked if we would like to meet at the Deeper Still Conference. We all love Beth Moore and knowing she would be in Atlanta, which is centrally located for all of us, just seemed to make sense that it would be the backdrop for our first meeting. Eight of us confirmed, we bought our conference tickets, we booked our hotel room and we booked our flights. The excitement has been building for months as we've had so much fun emailing, calling and planning for this long awaited moment.

On Thursday, I arrived at the Marriott Airport hotel at 12:00 noon and checked everyone in, we had 3 rooms together! The first girl I met was Kenzie (Maddox's mom). As Kenzie, her mother-in-law and Deacon pulled up I ran out the door and gave Kenzie a big hug with tear-filled eyes because this day was finally here! It felt like we were old friends at a reunion, not meeting for the first time - I wasn't scared or nervous, I just knew her so it was real and it was comfortable. We went to our room and relaxed while we talked, laughed and shed a few tears. Around 2:30 pm we boarded the hotel shuttle and headed to the airport to meet the other girls that were flying in.

Kenzie and I anxiously awaited for Kristy, Chrissy, Kim and Angie to fly in. Every time another girl would fly in it got even more exciting, needless to say it was extremely hard for the security guard to keep us "behind" the yellow security tape - we crossed the line every time and ran up with open arms as each girl stepped off the escalator.

First we met Chrissy(Eva's mom) and Kristy(Asher and Issac's mom).


Then Angie(Poppy Joy's mom).


And then Kim(Mary Grace's mom).


The 6 of us left the airport and went to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. We had a sweet time of sharing as we went around the table explaining how we each met our husbands.

After dinner we went back to our hotel, got in our PJ's and sat in 1 room on 2 beds and talked while we waited for Emily to drive in. Once Emily(Miller Grace's mom) got there we stayed up talking until 3:00 am.

On Friday morning we slept in until 10:00 am. We went downstairs for breakfast at Starbucks and then headed back to the airport because Karen was flying in(Jacob's mom). We ate lunch at the airport, Houlihans, and we were able to meet up with another mommy, Kirsten (Chloe's mom), who just happen to be in the Atlanta area on a business trip so we were able to spend some time talking to her at lunch.

After lunch we hugged Kirsten bye and we were off to the conference. Now, I had Mapquested all of our directions for the trip and the one from our hotel to the arena said 21 minutes, however we assumed Chrissy's GPS system would be better - wrong! But, we made it in record time, even though we literally crossed over 3 lanes of traffic to get off at our exit - there were definitely some serious traffic violations occurring! Once we arrived Downtown we had to park and walk several blocks, we were in a pack of 8 and very visible as we all matched from our t-shirts that Emily made, our necklaces that had our baby's name on it, our matching tote bags that Chrissy made, our matching bracelets that Kenzie gave us, our matching bracelets that Kristy gave us, our capris, our flip-flops and all the way down to our cute little pedicured toes. I cannot even count the number of people that literally stopped us along the way asking what our t-shirts meant. It gave us the opportunity to share about our babies, how we all met, and all that the Lord has done in our lives. We proudly wore them as it represented who we are and how we were brought together!

We only had to wait 15 minutes on the steps outside the arena before the doors opened. Look at the date this photo was taken, it says 06-27-2008, if you've followed my story long enough you realize that the 27th, by far, is the most difficult day for me - Tristan passed away on January 27th at 4:40 pm. Do I look like I am sad in this picture? NO. It was so comforting being surrounded by all of my friends on this 5-month anniversary instead of being at home. This was the first 27th that has been happy, fun, exciting and filled with lots of laughter......... thank you girls.

There were 19,000 women in attendance so imagine that many people attempting to get in the doors, all at once, running in to get the best seats. Thanks to Emily, she ran straight down front to the floor and we all sat on 1 row together, on the 10th row.


On Friday night the conference began at 7:00 pm. The music by Travis and the Praise Team and the Special Guest, Mandisa was wonderful and the message by Prisicilla Shirer was unbelievable. I felt like she was talking directly to the 8 of us as she spoke of being "in the wilderness". In Exodus 19, it talks about how God invited the Israelites into the Wilderness of Sinai, and how He takes us through the wilderness to hear Him. Verse 2 says, "and camped in the wilderness". This was a temporary place, as in we are to pitch our tent NOT dwell there permanently. God took them there so that they could be brought face to face with Him and even though they didn't want to be in the wilderness, they were there to hear Him in a way they never would have heard Him before. Oh this message spoke to my heart, I have never heard God speak like He did while we were in our wilderness with Tristan. His voice was so vividly clear and I honestly don't believe we would have heard it had we not been in the wilderness. Our lives are so different now and we are different now. Trayc and I do not believe we would be who we are right now had we not been in the wilderness because our hearts and minds were open to our God, for what He had to say not what man had to say.

The conference was over about 10:00 pm. We were so hungry, we drove around attempting to find a restaurant open that late but of course all we ended up doing was getting lost so we gave up, found our way back to the hotel and ordered 2 pizzas at midnight! And for a second night in a row, we all sat in 1 room on 2 beds talking, eating pizza and snacks until 2:30 am. Sleep was obviously not a priority to any of us on this trip because we'd waited so long to be together.

Saturday morning came way too fast, in that we had no sleep! We had to get up at 6:00 am because we needed to leave our hotel by 7:15 am. We wore our matching t-shirts again, thanks to a little Febreeze. We were some of the first to get in the doors again and had good intentions of sitting on the floor just like Friday night however as we entered the arena we were stopped by several LifeWay representatives who knew our story, as it was posted on the Deeper Still blog several weeks ago. We were able to meet some precious ladies who hugged us, talked to us, said they had been praying for us and then they cried with us - yes, we were crying before the conference even began. We finally met our main source of contact, LifeWay representative Michelle Hicks. She, too, hugged us and talked to us and said she wanted to pray with us but she said, "I'll let you go get your seats first". Guess what, we didn't have seats because we had been stopped by so many people that wanted to talk to us about our babies we never got them. It may not seem like a big deal that we didn't have our seats, but you have to remember there were 19,000 women rushing in, we needed 8 seats together, and when we looked up it was already filling up to the top. Michelle Hicks said, "We'll get you some seats!". Well, we weren't sure how it would happen but she worked it out and we had 4 and 4, exactly how we wanted them, on the 6th and 7th row. Perfect seats!!!!

Kay Arthur and Beth Moore spoke and it was just as applicable to our lives as Priscilla's message was on Friday night. And the music, well once again the Lord was present in that place. Have you ever had moments that you wished you had a camera taking pictures, although it would not be the "appropriate" time? Oh I wish I could have taken pictures of the 8 of us on Saturday. We were singing praises to our Lord, we were reaching our hands up to Him, we were crying out in worship, we were sitting in our sits with our heads bowed crying sweet tears and we were standing with our arms interlocked singing "My Chains Are Gone" (which we all call Poppy Joy's song), what moments those were! And then my favorite moment was at the end of the conference, we were all standing, singing with our hands raised up in the air and connected. These were the hands of 8 mommies, whose hands are aching to touch their precious babies again and yet we know our Lord has a plan, we know His ways are perfect, we know He will take care of us so we are lifting up our hands to our Lord in praise and worship thanking Him for everything He has done for us. Those are some priceless moments, those are the ones that were captured in my mind and I will never forget them.

After the conference we had the most unique opportunity, we were able to meet Beth Moore. As soon as the conference was over LifeWay representative, Michelle Hicks, took the first person by the hand, and in a single file line, we mingled in and out of thousands of women as we were escorted to the back of the arena. As we approached the security guards, Michelle gave each one of us a backstage pass to put around our neck. As we were walking down the hallway Beth Moore and her daughter, Amanda, were right behind us. Beth walked in the room, shut the door and then went around the room hugging each one of us and then she talked to us as a group. At the end she asked us all to kneel down on the floor (with all of our knees touching) and she, her daughter Amanda and Michelle Hicks walked around us, touching our shoulders and praying and then as Beth got to each one of us she placed her hands on our heads and specifically prayed for us. The emotions were so overwhelming in that room, we were crying out loud. Beth's prayer was so real and said with such power and boldness as she thanked the Lord for us and for our babies, as she asked the Lord to comfort us during this time of grieving, and to guide us in our steps, to heal our broken hearts and to strengthen us as we move forward. There was NOT a dry eye in that room.

After meeting Beth, we went next door to a quaint little Mexican restaurant for dinner and then we were back on the roads of Atlanta heading to Target. We each bought a piece of pottery and lots of snacks! We went back to the hotel and got our bathing suits on went to the pool for an hour. Then we were ready to smash some pottery! There are books on grieving that reference breaking a piece of pottery because of your anger, saddness or brokeness but I am assuming this would not take place when you are hiliariously laughing, however what do you expect with a room full of 8 mommies? We had each bought a different color of pottery so we stepped outside the hotel room door and smashed it on the concrete floor (YES, it was extremely loud and it was 12:00 midnight). We were all laughing so hard because not only was it loud but some of us had to smash our pottery 2 and 3 times to get enough pieces to share! After everyone smashed their pottery, we placed the broken pieces on the bed, took a picture, and then we each kept our main piece of our pottery and took a piece of each others. A few of the girls are going to glue the pieces together, others are framing the pieces and others are placing them on a cross. Whatever we do with them, it will be our symbol that we were broken together and the Lord placed each one of us together along this journey.


And, our second project (which was much quieter) was making a mat. Kristy did a post a few weeks ago and it so touched my heart. I had emailed the girls after reading the post and told them that this is how I felt, that THEY had carried my mat for me during this journey. So I had bought some placemats and markers and we each wrote our baby's name, days they lived and their birthdate in the middle and then at the top we wrote "Carrying your mat Luke 5:17-20". We passed them around and each girl signed the mats. We've all talked about framing the mats. Every time I look at my mat I will remember that these are the names of the girls that carried me to Jesus in prayer, that loved me, supported me and encouraged me.

Sunday morning came far too soon. We went downstairs to Allie's for the breakfast buffet and then the hardest part of the trip came, we had to begin saying goodbye. Angie left right after breakfast and then Kim left an hour later.

We had a few hours left before the last 6 of us had to begin saying goodbye, unfortunately I was the next one to leave. I hugged each girl as I fought back the tears and then the tears started flowing quickly as I said goodbye to the last girl, Kenzie, she was the first girl I hugged on Thursday and the last one on Sunday! Pulling away from the hotel was hard, it's not like we can get together again next weekend. We are already planning on a trip next year but that seems like a long time away. It's so hard to find friends that just completely understand you and yet I found them but they are in different states.

This weekend was more than I ever imagined it would be. We have laughed, cried, shared, hoped, dreamed, worshiped, praised the Lord, prayed and made altar call committments. This was also a weekend of refreshing and renewing of our minds and our hearts as we move forward in our journeys no matter where that might take us.

These are the faces of
8 mommies,
from 8 different cities,
from 8 different backgrounds,
with 9 babies in Heaven,
who met on the Internet,
who love their Lord.....

Kim, Emily, Karen, Yvette,
Kristy, Angie, Kenzie & Chrissy