6 months ago at 12:42

As I sit here writing this post it is 12:42 pm on June 3rd, exactly 6 months ago today my precious little boy, Tristan Asher Hostetter, was born. Trayc immediately placed his sweet little face against mine so that I could feel him, kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. This was the most incredible moment of my life, my little boy was here and he was ALIVE!!!! He even started crying, which is a sound I will never forget. Knowing the diagnosis of Trisomy 18, we were very unsure as to how long we would have with him, we literally lived in the moment. I am so thankful the Lord gave us time, 56 DAYS is more than we ever dreamed was possible.

It is hard to believe it's already been 6 months since that day. My mind has wandered alittle, thinking of all that Tristan would have been doing at 6 months old. It is in those moments that I have to make myself stop or I will be caught up in the "what if's" and that can become a very sad place to dwell. I try to turn those "what if's" into what we had - WE HAD 56 DAYS and we made so many memories in those 56 DAYS. We gave all we had to our precious little boy and held nothing back!

I have not really posted much recently, except for Tristan's award, Tanner's musical and a special prayer request for another T-18 family, but nothing real personal because ......... honestly, because I have struggled. I have really struggled since Mother's Day and I just didn't know what to write. Mother's Day really hit me harder than I expected because I was really good up until then. I felt like I was in the valley, I could see the mountain top but I just didn't seem to have enough strength to get out. Don't get me wrong, I have not been in the bed depressed nor have I withdrawn from life. It's a different kind of struggle, it's a quiet struggle within my heart as I am really missing my little boy and longing to hold him again. We are a very active family, constantly on the go and the only time we've ever truly slowed down was the 2 months Tristan was here. We're either doing home school, at soccer, at piano, at church, at church activities or family events and even if I wanted to stay in bed I can't - I have a 2 year old, which should explain itself. But now as the activities have finished until August, it has allowed for some down time which is not always good for the mind of a grieving mommy. So again, Tristan has become forefront in my mind. I want to be that same carefree, fun, loving, happy, on-the-go kind of girl but it seems so distant. Right now I am guarded. My heart is guarded. I am afraid of getting hurt, from anything or anyone, so I have withdrawn and quietly struggled. It's not just Tristan though, I've also recently found out about an extended family member that has received a diagnosis which is almost too hard for me to even bear therefore my emotions are a wreck, this is alot to comprehend just 4 1/2 months after losing Tristan. I've been better this past week though, I am on my way out of the valley and I can see the sun shining again!

I have been hesitant to share that I have been struggling because there is the pride part of me that wants everyone to think I'm still doing great and that I am strong. But, the more I have thought about it the more I realize I wouldn't be honest if I came across like that. I want my entries to be real, to portray the real me, the real pain, the real struggles of this journey. Why? Because whether tomorrow or 5 years from now, if a new mommy finds my blog I do not want her to feel like she is alone in grieving, I want her to know it's okay to struggle on the journey and that there are other mommies out there feeling the same way and those mommies are just an email away.

There are times I have felt so alone with these thoughts and feelings but then I go to the computer and check on my "Internet" friends and realize I am not, they are feeling the same way. I am so thankful for these friendships, little did I realize back in October when I met my first friend, Angie, how much I would need her and all the other girls who have come along. Although I did not post, I did email my sweet "Internet" friends weeks ago telling them of my struggle and asked that they pray for me. I greatly appreciate their emails, their love and their prayers for me the past few weeks. This is what true friendship is, this is what makes this journey easier.

The Internet has also become such a reality to all that is going on with other families around the world. My heart breaks every time I read of another family experiencing the loss of a baby/child. A part of me thinks that I should just stop reading about all these families but then I realize that had my friends felt the same way many months ago they would not have reached out to me, and I cannot imagine how I would feel without them in my life. I feel as though the Lord has given us Tristan's story to help others and I want to use that, not walk away because it would be the easy thing to do. I, along with many of my "Internet" friends, have been affected along this journey by friends who have walked away because they did not want to get involved or they did not know how to deal with the death of a baby, unfortunately life and death, no matter how long or how short, are a reality and what we need are our friends to be there! I never want to be the friend who walks away, I want to be the one who is there all the way to the end! The reward of being there every step of the way is seeing how the Lord turns your tragedy/loss into something beautiful. I have already seen this happen with my sweet "Internet" friend, Angie, 6 months from the day she lost Poppy Joy she was holding another precious little girl, Adrienne Christine, oh what a miracle! And there are so many other things that are happening among me and my "Internet" friends that have yet to be shared.

Even though I have struggled the past few weeks, I have such a peace about the life of our precious little boy. Although I do not understand why the Lord chose this for our family I am so thankful He entrusted us with Tristan knowing we would love him with all that we have and that we would never question why or turn from our Lord. We love our Lord more than ever before and we know He is in control. This has been a hard journey, but we would do it all over again even if it was for a brief moment like the picture above.

I would ask that you please pray for our family as we continue to move through the grieving process, as we are still working on the foundation and as we are making some very exciting plans for the future......check back soon to find out what they are.

This is the slideshow we showed at Tristan's "Celebration of Life" service on January 30, 2008. I am sure many of you have already seen it, but I know there are some who have come along our journey since then, so I thought I'd repost it. Today was the first time I have actually watched it since the service. These are 112 pictures of the 1600 we took that shows God's faithfulness to our family.






Isaiah 65:20 says: "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; he who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere youth; he who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed."