Mother's Day

Today is my 12th "Mother's Day" as Tanner's mommy, my 3rd "Mother's Day" as Tayden's mommy,


and today would have been my 1st "Mother's day" as Tristan's mommy. Even though he is not here, I will ALWAYS be his mommy.


I'll be honest, I really did not expect this weekend to be as hard as it has been. Trayc was off work on Friday so we were able to spend 3 days together as a family. We were all really excited and had lots of things planned. Friday was great and Saturday started out that way. We went to Tanner's soccer game and then spent the afternoon shopping - this is where it all changed. As we pulled into the same parking lot and walked through the same store, where we had our Santa pictures taken with Tristan, I was doing my best to fight back the tears as we went to several stores. I was ready to get back in the car and get to the next mall just because of all the memories I was recalling, having just been there 4 1/2 months ago. We went to another mall and it only got worse. I think everyone who could have possibly had a "new" baby was out! They were everywhere - in strollers, in carriers, in body slings, happy mommies with new babies! I can handle anything BUT the newborn cry, that's just too much! We were in one store and a baby started crying. Tanner looked at me and said, "Do you hear that baby?" How could I not, it was one of those new baby cries, so I just squeezed his hand and said, "It's okay honey" and smiled. Then he said, "That makes me think of Tristan" and he looked so sad. I said, "You know what, let's get out of here", he looked up at me and smiled. I was secretly holding it together ALL DAY (for Tanner's sake), and did so until we sat down at Ruby Tuesday's to eat dinner. We were talking about what we were going to eat and then all of a sudden - a newborn baby cries out. I literally swallowed, looked away and then held the menu up in front of my face. The baby kept crying and Trayc said "Are you okay?" As I slowly pulled the menu down I said, "I'm fine" Obviously I wasn't, tears were flowing so fast. He said, "Let's go!" I said, "No, I'm fine", He said, "You're not and I'm not, I can't do this either!" So we got up and Trayc quietly told the hostess at the front that we needed to leave. I was so embarrassed but at the same time I had to get out of there, I did not feel like I could even breathe as we sat there hearing that baby cry. We left the restaurant, got in the car and went to the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A. All the way home from the mall I kept debating back and forth, with myself, as to whether I should even attempt to make it to church this morning but I knew I needed to.

This morning was emotional again! I laid in bed, while Trayc took a shower, and just cried! I so much wanted to walk into a nursery painted with soft blue walls, reach down and pick up my precious little boy out of the same Cherry crib that once held Tanner and Tayden. Tristan would have be 5 months old as we celebrated our 1st Mother's Day together, today. It was even harder only dressing 2 boys in matching outfits instead of 3 and opening 2 cards and gifts instead of 3. We didn't make it to Sunday School but we did make it to church. This weekend was hard but it was soooo comforting to stand beside Tanner, at church, with my arm around him singing and worshiping the Lord. Having children has not come easy for us, so I have never take my boys for granted but today I was especially thankful for Tanner and Tayden. After church we went to lunch and then back home so the boys could give me their cards and presents. We love to celebrate holidays and events and although the past few days have been hard, today was no exception in their little minds, they had been waiting all week just for today!

Grieving is strange sometimes. I had just mentioned to Trayc, the other night, that I was concerned that maybe I am in denial because I'm really doing better than I thought I would only 3 1/2 months after losing Tristan - we're moving forward in our family life, we are starting the foundation, we are helping other couples and the tears don't seem to come anymore. Well, if I ever questioned it before, I don't now - I AM NOT in denial about losing our little boy! I am still grieving, but I just have such a peace about our time with Tristan that I been fortunate enough to have experienced a lot of really good days, even though this was not one of them. I don't ever spend my days looking back because we were so blessed, we were given 56 DAYS, but on days like today it brings a lot of "what if's" or "what would've been" to mind which makes me really miss my little boy!

This past month I have read several articles on the Internet and in magazines that say Mother's Day is a very hard day for moms who have lost babies, I can certainly relate this year. Here is a quote from the Trisomy 18 Foundation:

A web-based survey asking grieving mothers, "What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on Mother's Day?". Over 80 percent of the nearly 100 respondents answered, "Recognize that I am a mother" to the question. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted their loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother's Day to be their most difficult holiday.

I think, too often, family and friends believe that if you have other children it fills the void of your precious baby not being here - it does not!!!! Yes, it does help to have other children to love and celebrate with, but it in no way takes away the pain/loss you feel. If you know someone that has lost a baby, please let them know you are thinking about them and their precious baby today. How sweet it would be to be remembered on this day!

Thank you so much to everyone who has already emailed, commented or texted me today - it means so much on this very difficult day!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to
Angie, Kenzie, Kim, Emily, Kristy and Chrissy

Proverbs 31:28-31

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her;

29 Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise here in the gates.